CONTENT WARNING!

This interview contains references to sexual abuse and self harm. If you are sensitive to these subjects or find them offensive, please avoid this post and read instead my interview with Blade Runner 2049 actor Tómas Lemarquis.  It’s just as witty but not as gritty.

The most famous indie director you’ve never heard of is also the most dangerous, cranking out the films so controversial streaming sites refuse to let you see them. Shane Ryan makes torture porn with no torture and only a little porn, these slow burn psychological films where you can’t figure out if you like them until it’s too late and you’re hooked. His films are so underground they’re on a first name basis with the dead and buried and his unique style blurs the line between horror and drama, while attacking explicit sex, self harm, rape, anorexia, incest, murder…  Shane Ryan is a man of edges, both straight and cutting, and in the interview that follows he offers up a masterclass on independent film making.

[N.B. All stills / photos link to Shane’s production company Mad Sin Cinema.]

So there I was, sitting on a soiled bench in an all-night laundromat at 4am, a time when the only sounds are noises and those noises are of things breaking, cars squealing and voices cracking like bones. I was alone except for a bald man with fresh scabs atop his mottled head, a passed out businessman spilled inside his suit and a teenage girl who lived in her coat and held knives in the eyes she buried behind her stringy hair. I was reminded that the only people awake at 4am are those who have been to jail or those who should be.

Of all the people there, only the old man was washing any clothes and his bag of dirty laundry included far too many pairs of kids’ underwear. At that instant, the door opened and in from a night as dirty as the laundromat walked a young, buff man wearing somebody else’s camouflage and carrying a video camera looking to shoot something.

Introduction

Saint Pauly: I’m afraid this is neither the time nor the place to be filming, mate. [He ignored me and made me even more uncomfortable by focusing in on me.] Whoa, hold on, who do you think you are, Shane Ryan or something? [As soon as I’d said that I saw that, indeed, it was exactly Shane Ryan. I’m not as stupid as I look on camera.] Shane Ryan!? The Shane Ryan!? Director of the Amateur Porn Star Killer trilogy? My Name Is ‘A’ by anonymous? Warning!!! Pedophile Released? What are you doing here? I thought you hated LA.

Shane Ryan: I only go to LA when I have to. I primarily reside in Lompoc [California] because I can’t stand LA.

[The business man slumped over even further and the old man with the troubled scalp sorted laundry by smell.]

Saint Pauly: Now that you’re here, be careful. Things in this launderette are off, like.  Maybe we should smoke a little somethin’ somethin’ to smooth the edges?

Shane: [From behind his camera] I’m straight-edged, meaning I don’t drink, smoke or do drugs. And it’s not because I’m a former addict nor for religious beliefs, I just think it’s not worthy to put into my body. Plus, I’m already a bit crazy without that shit.

Saint Pauly: You don’t have to tell me, I’ve seen your films! How did you get started with that madness, anyway?

Shane: My first paid film jobs were helping my dad restore films. The first thing I did was work as the music editor on Fritz Lang’s Dr. Mabuse. I then helped restore titles on another silent film, and then I composed music for some silent short films for the box set Unseen Cinema: Early American Avant-Garde Film 1894-1941. 

Saint Pauly: You got an early start!

[The teenager glanced over at us with a look of unexplained defiance while the older gentleman placed the clothes in the machine one at a time with a fork.]

Shane: My dad took me to the movies when I was 3 years old.  After I had a panic attack during one of the trailers (it was for a John Carpenter film), he brought me back in once I was through crying.  He said I didn’t speak a word, I was just glued to the screen, in awe for the entire film (the film was Dark Crystal, which I have no memory of watching). After that, he began showing me how to edit at the age of 5, and by age 7 I was working the camera and making my own films.

Saint Pauly: Is one of those films called Singularity? Because that one looked like it was written by a 5-year-old and edited by a 7-year-old. No? Not a science friction fan?

Shane: I was inspired by ninja/martial arts films. Then, when I saw Bloodsport and Jean-Claude Van Damme’s spinning jump kick, I knew I wanted to be just like Van Damme. I idolised the living fuck out of him and probably have the world’s biggest collection of JCVD merchandise. The problem was though, that I sucked at lots of stuff.

Saint Pauly: You should see me in locker rooms.

[Nobody in the launderette laughs.]

Shane: I did bad in gymnastics, karate (not bad, but surely not good), and became more focused on film making than acting and sports. I wanted to be an actor and a writer, but had no clue how to get acting roles nor get my scripts produced, so I kept making my own films til I was about 16, then gave up to focus on writing and body-building.

Saint Pauly: You’re certainly more developed than some Hollywood scripts! 

Shane: For a short time I wanted to become a body builder but refused to take any supplements or drugs. Eventually I said ‘fuck it’ and started taking some community college film classes at age 19.

Saint Pauly: Better to take classes than drugs, sometimes.

Shane: Then I saw Tim Roth’s directorial debut The War Zone and, right then and there, something changed in me forever.

Saint Pauly: You decided to become English?

Shane: I had an emotional breakdown from the intense subject matter in the film (it dealt with child abuse, rape, incest and murder), and I was floored by this discovery–that a film could move you this intensely, violently, viscerally. I wanted to make films like that . 

Saint Pauly: And you do!

Shane: That would be what I like most about film making: being able to touch people in a life-changing sort of way. Whether it be entertainment in a new way, nostalgia, coming of age, or something that is a fear or manifesting issue that they haven’t yet confronted.

Saint Pauly: What’s the worst bit of movie making? Snarky interviewers?

Shane: The biggest pain about film making would be relying on other people. This isn’t like painting a picture, nor writing a script. When it’s something like that, all you need is you. When it’s a film, it requires other people, money (which I’ve never had), scheduling, cooperation, equipment, transportation, and a never-ending list of shit. It sucks big time when you don’t have any of these resources.

Saint Pauly: Shane, I don’t mean to interrupt you but look over at the bloke in the suit. [He aims his camera towards the supine form.] I haven’t seen anyone that pale since beaches in England. I really think he’s dead. Just be cool while we figure out if the psycho geezer or the angry teen did it. Keep filming, it can definitely help. What kind of filming style do you have?

Shane: It just depends on the project. My Japanese film, Oni-gokko/Tag [the complete short is above] had a complete shot list, script (plus all the translations), as did my short film from 2001, Isolation, along with storyboards (that was my most complex and structured shoot). But My Name is ‘A’ by anonymous, The Girl Who Wasn’t Missing, and The Owl in Echo Park merely had very brief one line descriptions of the scenes. Sometimes not even descriptions, just the location that we would be shooting at and the actors who needed to be there. And the Amateur Porn Star Killer films had nothing but an idea and a brief discussion of the films with each actress before filming. I think I most prefer when I have scene descriptions roughly written out, a story in place, but I just let it flow.

Saint Pauly: Like that man’s blood! Holy shite! See, it’s spilling into a puddle on the ground. We have to save the girl and get out of here. [I whisper in a shout I hope is loud enough for her to hear and yet quiet enough the crazy old man doesn’t.] Psst. Miss? Do you want to leave with us?

Angry Girl: Are you crazy?

Saint Pauly: How did you know? Look, just stay there, we’ll get you out.

Angry Girl: Watch out for him!

Saint Pauly: We know! Don’t worry, Shane Ryan is recording him. We’ll get him soon enough. Shane’s used to filming without a net. Do you have any idea how many films you’ve done, Shane?

Shane: Counting all the ones I did as a kid, shorts and features and music videos, plus how many I acted in as well as produced and/or directed? Man, I dunno, over 100, easily.

Indie Film Making Masterclass

Saint Pauly: You must must be some kind of millionaire to make that many films! What’s the most you’ve ever spent making a film?

Shane: The most, as far as completed films, would be Guerrilla which cost about a grand and it was only 13 minutes. My Name is ‘A’ by anonymous was 90 minutes and cost 300 bucks to produce and 4 days to shoot, over a 5 day period. Guerrilla took about 20+ days to shoot over 6 months.

Saint Pauly: And the least?

Shane: The least would literally be nothing, I suppose. Amateur Porn Star Killer 3 cost 10 bucks. I think 8 bucks for 2 tapes and 2 bucks for gas.

Saint Pauly: Damn, some of my dates are more expensive than that. How can you make a film on such a small budget?

Shane: Just wing it, usually. And keep your crew minimal to avoid attention. If you have a script, it’s impossible to shoot what you’ve written on 50 dollar budgets. 

Saint Pauly: You mean the script goes out the window?

Shane: Unless you do it all in one room and don’t make noise to cause attention to your location from authorities, passersby… And don’t mind if noise outside your location is a constant interruption–unless you’re in the middle of nowhere with no distracting sounds around you.

Saint Pauly: But there needs to be a story, right? Like the characters here in this launderette.

[While I’m talking to Shane, the girl scuttles like a roach to a bench closer to the old man. I think she’s totally mad, at first, until she pulls a long bladed knife from he coat.]

Shane: If you come up with characters that you’d like to shoot, and you wing it, then it’s more like making a documentary. You can make a documentary with a minimal crew so, just treat your film like a documentary. Pick your subjects (like, “I want to make a film about a girl who kills her neighbour” – My Name is ‘A’ by anonymous), pick some locations, and just describe the characters to your actors. Then follow them, and see what they do. You might need a beginning, middle, and end, but everything else, the other 90% of the movie, you just let it happen.

Saint Pauly: [I begin wondering if I hadn’t jumped too hastily to the conclusion that the older chap was the murderer. The best thing would be for me to ignore the girl while I get a hold of the situation.] Yet you use dialogue rather sparsely. Your films are as silent as the dead chap over there. Why’s that?

Shane: Two reasons. One, is that sound is a bitch. It’s one of the hardest things to do and the most likely to make your film reek of amateur-hour (which my films still do, but it could be so much worse). People will forgive bad picture but not bad sound. So, I learned early on that you are more likely to get away with bad sound if it feels like a documentary / home-video type thing, like the Amateur Porn Star Killer films, which is why they have the most dialogue. In the other movies that doesn’t work, so I tend to wipe away all of the sound and replace it with music.

Saint Pauly: Which is often brilliant, to be honest. The music in The Girl Who Wasn’t Missing was one of my favourite parts of that film. And Guerrilla is like a silent movie.

Shane: Which brings me to the second reason, that is I grew up on silent films as my dad has restored most of the great silent films ever made.

Saint Pauly: How cool is that? My dad hasn’t done anything half that brilliant, including making me. What did yours restore?

Shane: Anything from the original The Phantom of the Opera and The Hunchback of Notre Dame to Charlie Chaplin. 

[I look at the bint in the corner pointing the tip of the blade at me from across the filthy room.]

Saint Pauly: How do you find the right music for your film?

Shane: I think music to visuals is just in my blood. Although I’m rarely fully satisfied with it, because I can only use what I find and can afford the rights to. I can’t usually use or have composed exactly what I want. Basically it’s just using the cheapest music that I can find and be able to get the rights to, that best fits what I’m looking for. I usually have to find the music first, though, almost always, as I edit to the music. I have yet to edit something without a score, and then have someone score the film.

[Shane, still holding the camera, arrives at the opposite end of the launderette where a large dustbin stands. He reaches inside and pulls something off of the top of the trash. Two things, actually: a pair of leather gloves. I find this find disturbing, but continue asking him questions to distract him.]

Saint Pauly: What other advice would you give to those who want to follow in your footsteps?

Shane: Don’t do it, man. Find something stable. Then maybe do this as a hobby. Times are getting so ridiculously bad for indie cinema as far as being able to make any money from it.

Saint Pauly: Still, it’s a good way to have sex and kill people on camera. 

Shane: Censorship is cracking down so terribly much! I was just told by a distributor that not only can I not include nudity if I want to get on Amazon Prime, but I can’t even blur out the nudity–like one would do for a regular fucking censored TV episode or news clip–as they will even reject that as well. Plus they just chopped out 60% of pay for indie films, as if we weren’t already getting paid nothing. If anything, do something artistic that doesn’t take up too much of your money, or the dependency of other people, like writing, or painting. Or something where you don’t have to worry about the responsibility of anyone but yourself, like acting. Film making these days is just, ugh. But if you feel it’s in your blood, and it’s all you know, then so be it, do it.

Saint Pauly: Speaking of blood, I can’t help but notice there’s some on the gloves you pulled from the bin. The girl isn’t the murderer, is she?

[Smiling, Shane rises and walks over to where the young lady is sitting. I immediately apologise in my head for mentally referring to her as a ‘bint’. She doesn’t try to kill him with the knife she no doubt took from the same trash can from which Shane removed the gloves. Instead, she hands it over to him without a struggle. Neither does he kill her with it.]

Saint Pauly: Shane, do you get a lot of flack about your films being misogynistic?

Shane: Everybody’s got an opinion…

Saint Pauly: Like assholes. [TBH, not even I know what I mean here.]

Hardcore Controversy

Shane: Look at it this way: more than 90% of my films give female actors the lead roles. I often give them co-writing and co-producing credit and consider them my team, my other half in the making of the films. Many are about strong women and the victimisation of women by men and / or by society. And it also shows a much more real interpretation of rape.

[Shane, camera in one hand and knife in the other, stands in front of me. He gestures with the blade for me to rise. The pieces fall together. He’s the one who killed the bloke in the business suit, then left the murder weapon and the gloves in the dust bin before leaving. But then, after I’d arrived in the laundromat, he’d changed his mind and returned to the scene of the crime to recover the clues. Now that he’d accomplished what he came to do, he was escorting me to his beat up Chevrolet Impala. Wherever he was taking me, I knew it was my final destination.]

Shane: [As we’re driving away, Shane continues.] Rape is not usually with a knife to your throat and a random thug in the alley attacking you. It’s often by manipulation, by somebody you know or somebody at a party that you just met but feel safe enough with. What I wanted to show was rape the way that it is more likely to happen. And if one still doesn’t buy these excuses; just hold up a mirror.

Saint Pauly: Ugh, I’d rather not. I must look a sight what with the late hour and my impending murder.

Shane: My films are merely that, a mirror held in front of the world, showcasing what I see around me. Rarely does Hollywood ever do that.

Saint Pauly: All right, you’re taking me to my death spot, so we may as well go there. Your films are very edgy regarding content. As you said, you film rape, incest, child murders…  In the Amateur Porn Star Killer triptych, there are several sex scenes that appear hardcore in more ways than one. Is the sex simulated or real?

Shane: Most of it is real. The stuff with the blonde girl in the first was simulated, but the oral sex with the main character was real, even though highly concealed. And the second and third films feature multiple hardcore moments. Albeit very little of the films’ running times, maybe just 5-10 minutes max between both films, but it’s real.

Saint Pauly: [Insert the sound of my mouth hanging open…]

Shane: I tried to push the boundaries further with each film, but I think it peaked in the second, when it showed penetration to the girl after Brandon kills her.

Saint Pauly: Filming all that must be depressing af!

Shane: It’s usually pretty relaxed, actually, until it happens. Then afterwards there can be laughter, calming back down. The only big time I remember there being an issue was on Amateur Porn Star Killer. I had gotten so stirred up from being in character for so long: two long takes, like an hour long each. So, between takes I needed to take a break, whereas Michiko [Jimenez], the actress, had wanted to keep going. I barely remember this–she recited it to me later–I thought it was like a minute break but apparently it was 30-60 minutes and I tried to calm myself back down by watching cartoons. She wanted to stay in character, so I guess she just sat quietly in the corner until I could collect myself to continue shooting.

Saint Pauly: Still, being both actor and director when filming a hardcore scene must present its own unique set of complexities.

Shane: Extremely awkward and difficult beforehand, but relatively easy once filming has started.

Saint Pauly: Sounds like most of my sex life, except for the ‘filming’ part.

Shane: Because they were all pretty much shot in real time, you just slip into that character and roll with it. Playing the character is highly uncomfortable, but as long as you have the understanding with the actress, when those scenes come, it’s just kind of there, over and done. It’s almost like being on drugs, I’d say, or being drunk. It just sort of happens, and afterwards you’re like, “Shit, what did we just do? Did we really do that? Hmm, well that was interesting.”

Saint Pauly: ‘Interesting’ may not be strong enough to describe the scene in My Name is A by anonymous, leading up to a father’s sexual assault of his teenage daughter. Honestly? Even as a fan of cinema that pushes boundaries, I found this a tad extreme. What do you think of someone like me, who has a hard time with something like that? Does it make me a wimp?

Shane: If it didn’t give you a hard time, then either you’ve got some issues you need to deal with, or I just didn’t do my job as a filmmaker. But considering that you never even see the rape occur, I’d hope that means that I did my job in making it disturbing, as it should be. If you recall, the scene building up to it is one long shot, as he coerces and kisses his daughter while she begins breaking down bit by bit until finally he begins to force himself on her as she starts screaming repulsively, and then the scene ends before he actually does anything sexual to her. So, the fact that you never see the rape, and never even see nudity during the scenes… if that comes off as extreme and boundary pushing, then I think the job was accomplished.

[Shane pulls the Impala into a motel car park. He parks the car in front of an isolated unit and, once he’s shut the vehicle off, he instructs me to reach into a box in the back seat and remove a roll of duct tape. He forces me to wrap it around my left wrist several times, then tells me to hold my hands together so he can tie them together with the tape, locking them forever in a futile prayer. He leads me into his motel room, which is surprisingly neat and organised, though bereft of any personal effect, save his murder kit.]

Filmography

Saint Pauly: [As he ties me to the chair, I ask…] Amateur Porn Star Killer is your most famous work, isn’t it?

Shane: Yes, I’d say it is the most popular and successful. Of course, I made the film on a fluke and it was the easiest film I ever made–and only cost me 45 bucks to produce.

Saint Pauly: It was easier to conceive than some babies. And, like making babies, is pleasure why you decided to make two more?

Shane: Well, it took me 20 years to get to the point that I wanted to be (having a feature distributed), and it took 3 years to get this particular film distributed. So, when the distributor green-lighted a second, I was like, “Fuck it. I’ll do it again and have another film out in 6 months instead of spending another 10-20 years, sure.” And then I did it again right after that, but after the third I felt very done with it. I thought the second really helped push the story of the character forward, but the third I felt was just more recycling the original idea.

Saint Pauly: Another high point in your filmography is My Name is ‘A’, by anonymous, which is based on the true crime story of Alyssa Bustamante. Was it nostalgia that made you want to tell the story of this 15-year-old girl who killed her 9-year-old neighbour? Something else?

Shane: Multiple things. The need to understand why these things happen, even though you probably never will. Also, I’ve dealt with self-abuse most of my life, and when I saw that the real girl had the exact same scars on her arm, even the same arm in the exact same pattern and places as I do, it just hit home. 

[He hits me as he says this and I feel it shake my core. Then he pulls the knife from the waistband of his jeans.]

Saint Pauly: But at least there was a lot of fake news… [I spit out some of my favourite teeth as I speak.]

Shane: They hadn’t given any time to consider if the child was mentally ill, or had been coerced into a confession and possibly innocent. They just all said, “Here’s the witch, burn her.” It felt like medieval times to me, and it made me so disgusted. I also was going through my own issues in the media at the same time, and the exact same thing was being done to me.

Saint Pauly: People were calling you a witch and burning you?

Shane: A film I was about to make was being taken way out of context. The mainstream news got a hold of it and completely changed and manipulated everything that I was doing, causing me to receive endless death threats and hate mail every couple minutes. 

Saint Pauly: And you’re not even a film critic!

Shane: I almost wanted to kill myself because I thought my life was over, and I hadn’t even done anything wrong. I was just so angry that the news can just pick a person at random and decide to destroy them because they feel like it and need the ratings. All the while they make themselves look like reporters just doing their jobs when really they’re the scum of the earth, profiting off of ruining lives. So, I wanted to spend time actually exploring this girl, or the idea of a girl like this, and trying to actually understand it, instead of letting it be made up in the mind of the media and its brainless audience.

Saint Pauly: The treatment you give the story certainly isn’t brainless, and you can’t be accused of trying to paint her as an innocent victim, either. At least as not as much as I’m apparently about to be. Before you do the deed, can you tell me what I’m missing? What are the previews of coming attractions for your career?

[He drags the knife blade across my cheek, before bringing it down to my t-shirt and cutting it open, baring my breast and exposing his target. I’m his next attraction and it’s going to be coming soon.]

Shane: I’m doing a brand new trilogy of the Brandon character [from Amateur Porn Star Killer], for the “Ted Bundy Had a Son” trilogy. I think exploring this idea in a new decade, with new technology, especially since technology (VHS) played a huge role in his existence, can be quite interesting. The Owl in Echo Park, as I’ve been editing it forever, and need to finish the damn thing already. God Got Ill, which I’ve been shooting for over 4 years now. This Girl, This Boy, which I’ve been filming for a year, and now have more footage for than anything else that I’ve shot. Red Oedipal, which I’m filming and should hopefully be done filming very soon.

Saint Pauly: Hold on, you know I”m far too lazy to remember all of that. Isn’t there one website where your mobs of fans can go to keep up?

Shane: https://www.madsincinema.com/

Saint Pauly: Before you pull my plug, mate, couldn’t you tell me something WTF in honour of all my work on the website?

Shane: I was eating lunch at an outside restaurant once and the guy next to me was nearly halfway into sawing through his arm with a piece of glass. I didn’t notice it because right where his arm was there was something blocking it. But the crowd gathering made me wonder, so I stood up and then saw it and all of the blood everywhere. It was quite shocking and scary and sad. I nearly fainted, but was able to quickly grab my girlfriend and get us the fuck away from the table just before cops came storming in from every direction.

Saint Pauly: And you didn’t film it? I think it’s something your followers would get a kick out of. Any words of wisdom for you millions of fans before I go out in a big way?

Shane: Millions? Haha. Well, if I have even 100, awesome. Thank you. Please support indie cinema and physical media while you still can.

[And with that he accorded me only enough time to post this interview on the site before slitting my throat and doing who knows what to my amazingly fit looking corpse. All I know is, no sacrifice is too small to make my readership happy, so I hope you appreciate my giving body and soul for this interview!]

[Disclaimer: I’m sure you understand Shane Ryan no more met me in a laundromat at 4am than he did take me to a motel and kill me. This entire interview was conducted through emails over a period of several weeks. On that note, I owe Shane a huge debt of gratitude for the detail and care he took in answering my questions. I had not been prepared for him to be so forthcoming and honest with me, and his sincerity in our exchanges floored me. In fact, his answers were so complete that I wasn’t able to include them all here, so I’ll be posting the raw email interviews on the What The Function (123WTF blog page). Click on the link and be ready to dive down into the rabbit hole. I’d like to thank Shane for all of the time and effort he invested in responding to my questions, and his patience in waiting for me to publish the interview, as this version took far longer than any of my previous interviews.]

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Spoiler Alert:

I shall be ripping off The Hurricane Heist, lifting its lines and taking its time to judge if it’s a steal or highway robbery. So read on only if you’ve already seen The Hurricane Heist, or don’t plan to.

Watch THE HURRICANE HEIST here

0:00:43 The film opens on Hurricane Andrew, in Gulfport, Alabama, 1992. I don’t know Andrew, but I bet he’ll break wind.

0:01:14 A father driving in front of the storm has his two young sons with him in the front of his pickup truck. To stop them bickering, he tells them to review their (American) football plays. Then he tries a play of his own: outrunning Hurricane Andrew to get his balls to safety.

0:01:46 While avoiding a tree that’s fallen across the road, the father gets his truck stuck between a rock and a hard rain.

0:02:04

0:02:21 WTF!? Now that everyone’s safe in an abandoned home, the father decides to go back into the storm because he wants to give his sons a chance to be orphans.

0:02:52 The younger boy (Leonardo Dickens as Young Will) blames his older brother Breeze (Patrick McAuley) for making them late and causing them to be caught in the hurricane. Oh, brother!

0:03:31 The lads have to witness their father being squashed by a giant water tower vat. Dad is on a roll.

0:03:57  After the storm tears the roof from the abandoned house, the boys are forced to watch a skull appear in the clouds. And I say ‘forced’ in the sense all of us are forced to watch these ridiculous special effects.

0:04:26 Jump to present day, where the National Weather Service is tracking a small wind that will soon become full blown.

0:05:51 They call adult Willy (Toby Kebbell), who now goes by Will and drives a super vehicle (Dominator) to study hurricanes. I think he should go by ‘Big Willy’.

0:05:57 In the tiny town of Gulfport, where everyone apparently has to drive through the town centre to evacuate, the sheriff is briefing his deputies saying he won’t have any deaths or looters on his watch. If his deputies spent more time on traffic and less on meetings, maybe the people would actually be able to leave town.

0:07:32

Connor: There’s a lot things you don’t know about me.

Lorry driver Connor Perkins (Ralph Ineson) informs his partner Casey Corbin (Maggie Grace) of his Irish ancestry. They’re stuck in traffic, as well, as they’re moving truckloads of money. The storm is coming, so they’d better haul cash.

0:08:12 Casey takes the driver’s seat and rams into a stopped SUV loaded with a family to make room for her turn. Looking at the screenshot [7:00], however, makes it clear she didn’t need to do this. She probably just likes running into people.

0:08:43 Casey takes her vehicle and leads the other two through a tobacco field shortcut. Thus, some of the crop went up in smoke and the rest will go.

0:08:58 Two suspicious characters are installing satellite equipment on a local radio tower. Suffice it to say their plans are up in the air.

Woman on tower: Ask your brother if he’s reading it.
Man on tower [speaking into a clip mic]: You reading this, Clem?
Man in van [looking at equipment]: Hold on, it’s searching. Keep trying, man.
Man on tower: All right, that should do it, bro.

There’s a right way and a wrong way to indicate two characters’ relationship through dialogue. The isn’t the right way.

0:10:12 The lorries arrive at the Department of Treasury – Gulfport Facility with more plants on their grill than Snoop Dog returning from Jamaica.

0:11:52

Casey: I hate old money. It’s greasy, it smells, it’s been up a thousand noses and buried in too many g-strings.
Perkins: You say that like it’s a bad thing.
Casey: Best part of this lame-ass job is watching it turn into confetti.

The only thing more heavy-handed than this exposition is a boxer carrying a preacher.

0:12:14 Casey is put out because the shredder is down so there’s a huge backup of nosey g-string money lying about. As a result, she has the money loaded into a super secure vault, which in film-lingo means a paper sack stapled shut.

0:13:18 Who do they let in to fix the shredder but a poorly dressed man with a strong foreign accent and a neck tattoo!? I’ve trusted politicians more than I’d trust this man.

0:13:37 Casey is so rude to the site manager (Christian Contreras as Randy Moreno) that they must’ve touched uglies at one point.

0:15:05 Casey Corbin FaceTimes some bloke (Atanas Srebrev as Morris) to get authorisation to change the vault code and to exchange even more exposition. “Hi, bloke, there’s $600,000,000 here and I regret a tragic mistake I made in the military before I was forced to take this job.”

0:15:48 Remember neck tattoo and his sidekick (Melissa Bolona as Sasha)? Here’s how subtle they are while inside the U.S. Treasury Office they’re currently robbing…

Sasha: Darling, this shredder program is so crusty.
Man: Yep, that’s what made shutting it down so easy.

0:16:36 The power is faulty, the phone’s dead and the mobiles aren’t working and yet the only people who are panicking are those who invested in this film.

0:17:10 On her way to pick up the generator repairman, Casey hides her tablet with the codes to the safe beneath a pile of dollars more shredded than Jake Gyllenhaal in Southpaw. Just kidding, nothing is that shredded.

0:18:23 Will goes to rescue his older brother (as we’re constantly reminded in the dialogue between rampant exchanges of “big bro” and “little bro”). Big Breeze (Ryan Kwanten), who is also a generator repairman, refuses to leave because he’s a hard-boiled southern alcoholic womaniser and the only thing that can make them go is prune juice in their beer.

0:21:12 Back at the money pit, the phone repair crew is denied entrance into the facility so they run as far amok as they can in a PG-13 film: they shoot all the guards with tranquiliser darts. WTF

0:22:37 Turns out Connor is a traitor and is in on the plan. He’s trading in his truck full of money for a truck full of money.

0:22:42 The infiltration of the building against an army of soldiers takes under 3 minutes. It seems the guards’ automatic machine guns with real bullets are powerless against darts from air guns. WTF

0:23:30

Connor [to Jaqi (Moyo Akandé), his coconspirator and girlfriend] And you said we couldn’t do this with zero casualties.

0:24:10 The two hackers open the office door where Moreno is hiding behind bulletproof glass.

Moreno: I should’ve known there was something hinky about you two.

What, by their clothes, accent or neck tattoos!? WTF

0:24:21 The criminals in their spew of exposition confess to breaking the shredder weeks ago so that the money would pile up. But they had to ‘gamble’ on the storm, which no doubt sounded something like, “Right, every detail of the robbery is planned down to the minute. Now let’s risk the rest of our lives on a hurricane arriving at that precise moment.”

0:29:14 The criminals realise the code has changed so the hacker has 2 hours to hack the vault all over again while Connor tries to find Casey. I hope he finds her before the hacker cracks the code: I can’t bear two more hours of this torture.

0:31:28 Realising the Treasury is compromised, Breeze and Casey try to escape to get help, buy only Casey makes it. Apparently, Breeze’s plan of driving full speed into bollards was as stupid as it sounded.

0:32:34 Big Willy comes across Casey in a shootout in the town centre and rescues her in his hurricane mobile. It’s like Saving Willy in opposite world.

0:35:47 Will and Casey run to the local sheriff (Ben Cross as Sheriff Dixon) for assistance but he pulls a rifle on them…because he’s in on the robbery, as well! Next thing you know, we’re going to learn the whole town is also involved! There are so many people robbing the Treasury, each person’s cut is going to be $7.84 and a pet grooming Groupon.

0:36:51 Casey hears the sheriff talking to Connor and realises he’s the inside man. Now she understands what he meant when he said she had a lot to learn about him [Easter egg , see 7:32]. Well, there’s one fewer thing off the list.

0:37:02 Casey jumps for her discarded pistol and shoots the sheriff twice in his WTF (because he’s not even fazed by the bullets) so that she and Will can escape, but the sheriff can still follow her in a different car with a bank robber (Jimmy Walker as Xander). She’s as easy to follow as the plot of this movie.

0:38:08 During a shootout from moving vehicles in a hurricane where everyone’s aim is perfect and the robber’s gun magically starts shooting real bullets interested of tranq darts, Casey empties her revolver.

Casey: I’m out of bullets.
Will: How did that happen?
Casey: I shot them all.

Witty banter level: Teletubbies.

0:39:08 In order to lose the tail, Will slams on the brakes and shoots metal spikes into the road from the bottom of his hurricane vehicle so that his car is safe but the bad guys’ car is destroyed when it slams into the back of the vehicle. The train wreck that is this film is more dramatic.

0:44:34 I’ll spare you the sermon on man-made climate change, just like I wish they’d spared me.

0:45:12

Casey: Back in Utah I made a bad decision. Got somebody killed.

Girlfriend, no good decisions have ever been made in Utah.

0:45:48 Casey and Will decide to use the hurricane car’s winch to pull down a cellphone tower the robbers are using for communicating. Or maybe it just means the thieves will speak lower.

0:47:54

0:49:34 While Will is on the tower, two lorries driven by the robbers arrive. Casey shoots at them with a machine gun she stole from the crashed car at 39:08, killing Jaqi (Connors’ bae) and blowing up a petrol station. Shoot, girl!

0:51:14 The communication tower is down, which means the hackers are now unable to crack the code for the safe, and they were only one number away from doing so. Now the only crack they have is in the back of their knickers.

0:52:56 WTF!? While Casey unhooks the cable from the fallen tower, Will takes out the bad guys by throwing hubcaps like frisbees at them. He’s not the only one throwing something up.

0:54:57 Breeze tries to free the captured soldiers but is electrocuted while cutting the metal enclosure. He’s far more shocked than we are.

1:00:01 The sheriff and his posse approach Connor and reveal they’re double crossing the thieves. So Connor shoots the sheriff and his posse agree to switch sides. There’s more flip flopping here than Nemo on the pavement.

1:05:42 WTF!? I swear when I saw this in the cinema I laughed out loud. When the bad guys show up at the shopping mall to exchange Breeze for Casey, Will has a plan. He shoots a hole in the skylight and the air pressure sucks everyone out of the ceiling. Fortunately, Will and Casey are attached to ropes, so they just fly around the sky. The air pressure isn’t the only thing that sucks hard in this film.

1:10:32 Now that Will and Casey are safe and have abandoned Breeze in the shopping mall (because third wheel), they plan to blow up the transport trucks with a car bomb made with fertilizer. Of course they do, because the fertilizer, the plan and the entire film are full of shit.

1:11:39 The bad guys magically show up at the flower shop where the duo are stealing their bomb ingredients, but a flash flood comes through for them.

1:14:25 In the aftermath of the flood, the criminals find Casey floating on an air mattress and Breeze finds Will stranded atop the Dominator. It’s about time! Will hasn’t saved Casey in at least 10 minutes.

1:14:56

1:16:42 Once Casey uses her hidden laptop to open the vault door, Connor decides he wants revenge for Jaqi and goes all R-rated on Moreno.

1:18:48 The eye of the storm arrives so it’s nicer weather than Paris in the springtime. The brothers observe the lorries full of money leaving the depository, as the criminals’ plan is to drive in the middle of the eye of the hurricane to get away. I, however, predict they’re going to get it in the eye.

1:20:28 While they drive after the lorries, the brothers bond like sweat and leather in a gay orgy.

1:20:56

1:22:54 After Willy jumps from the car to the lorry, Breeze does the same, only Breeze has to do it with no one driving the vehicle! The stretch he makes is almost as long as this film.

1:23:13 WTF!? Breeze’s feet are being dragged on the street behind the truck moving at full speed and his shoes aren’t the least bit damaged? His shoes are tougher than any maths exam I’ve ever failed, and I’ve failed a lot.

1:25:34 Breeze and Will take control of the last lorry (driven by the tattooed hacker couple), then Will jumps onto the middle lorry, the one containing Casey. While he works his way to the cab, she gets in a fight with the bloke holding the pistol on her, causing the driver to swerve and nearly throw Will. That’s one way for her to get him off.

1:27:08 In a ballet of WTF, Casey shoots everybody and Will jumps into the driver’s seat and has a close call. If they’d wanted me to think this was cool, they should’ve had the confidence to do it in slo-mo.

1:27:38 I love how they think we’re blind enough not to notice their ‘motorway’ is clearly an airport tarmac.

1:28:15 We’re meant to believe they’re in the eye of a hurricane, but there’s nothing troubling in front of them? An eye is round, like a doughnut hole of calm in a storm, not a wall cloud with an attitude. WTF!?

1:30:24 The wind unlocks the back of the lorry, opens the doors, and takes out all the money. It’s better at stealing than the robbers! WTF!?

1:30:37

1:30:38 WTF!?

1:31:54 Breeze’s lorry breaks down so Will slows down to match his speed. The hurricane also slows down long enough for Breeze to be selfish and save himself by jumping into Will’s lorry, but then the hurricane speeds up and swallows the lorry with the tattooed hackers. Damn, the only thing I can do with wind is break it.

1:32:08 Remember when you were younger and tried to find shapes in clouds? A roaring skull appears in this one! WTF!?

1:33:41 Turns out there was no hurricane after all because after driving 1 minute and 33 seconds, they’re in the middle of a beautiful afternoon. That storm took off faster than the clothes of a fleeing stripper.

Roll credits

My rewrite of the film in emojis: 

Tally Ho’

• WTF!?’s: An incredible 25 disastrous ones!
• When to Follow: The only time this film should ever be seen by human eyes is if it’s being used as a drinking game in which each participant must race to drink a shot before the others when witnessing something unbelievable. The last one to do so has to drink twice. The game should be called Hurry-Can Shite and proper credit must be attributed to yours truly. Bottoms up, WTFers.
• Where’s This Found: Remember when you watched 2012, San Andreas, Geostorm, The Day After Tomorrow and you wished there had been more action? Well, Hurricane Heist is the first disaster film where you’ll wish there was less because what they have here is so cringe-worthy it feels like watching your parents have sex: yes, it’s action but my lord, no one should have to witness something that awful. The CGI is from the 1970s, before it existed, with rain that looks hand-drawn and special effects made with a Snapchat filter. There is enough WTF in this film to sink a small island and the only thing more predictable than the story is how much you’re gong to hate this film should you see it. Watch Twister again, instead. Out of a possible 10, I have 3 F’s to give.

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I decided to spend a few months in Sumner, Illinois one afternoon, with plans to kill more than time. Knowing that I’d need a proper property to hide my improprieties, I contacted actor, writer, director, producer, location scout, sound guy and stuntman Jed Brian. Jed was my local specialist of old haunts as his nonprofit horror film Unlisted Owner explores one, and he was gracious enough to show me the gateway.

Saint Pauly: Thanks so much for meeting me here. I know how busy you must be making indie films and…well, I imagine there are other things.

Jed Brian: I’m a volunteer firefighter, on the city council for the city of Sumner, I’m a husband, father and artificial lifts system specialist in the oilfield.

Saint Pauly: My word, and I can only seem to find enough time to see films and indulge my fiction. That and rent creepy houses to exercise my demons. An attic is extremely important in a torture house. Must have place for the ghosts to inhabit. Wait, didn’t your Unlisted Owner come from the attic?

Jed: I knew I wanted to make a horror film but knew I was on a budget. So while brainstorming I came up with this scene in my head of a guy getting pulled up in a attic space of a house shot in found footage style. From there I knew I could write a backstory around that one scene.

Saint Pauly: And what a story it was! [We left the upstairs and he walked me back to the ground floor.] So this must be the ‘living’ room, though I can’t imagine I’ll be calling it that for very long. Which reminds me, as I’m going to be an Unlisted Owner, I was wondering how you came up with the title to your film.

Jed: It’s really hard to find an original name these days, so when I knew we were going to make the film and had the script done we needed a title. Myself and my assistant director Brent [Perrott] just bounced ideas back and forth off of each other one night and, out of the blue, I said Unlisted Owner. We googled it and saw it wasn’t taken so we took it.

Saint Pauly: Here’s the wreck room… Do you have one?

Jed: I’m a huge video game fan! I actually have a game room in my house with Mario and Donkey Kong stickers on the wall and a Donkey Kong arcade machine. Plus all the old school consoles, of course.

Saint Pauly: And is this room soundproof…for my ‘guests’? [Jed feigns ignorance as to my implication.] Fine, moving on then, how would you describe your movie to strangers?

Jed: Unlisted Owner is a feature length found footage horror film that follows a group of friends who, after hearing of a horrific murder, decide to break in and investigate themselves with hand held cameras.

Saint Pauly: Is it based on a true story? Like of something my mates and I did while drinking?

Jed: I feel that people who watch this movie get drawn into the realism of the film and are intrigued by the overall story. People get scared as they think this could happen to them and what would they do if their friends got them into this situation.

Saint Pauly: I’m scared of most of the things my friends get me into, and not by half. But what about the cast of Unlisted Owner?

Jed: I mostly used friends all the actors in the movie are local or have some local tie to the area. So it worked out perfectly.

Saint Pauly: And the extras? Because you had some professional looking extras.

Jed: Most people get surprised by this but, since I’m a volunteer firefighter, it was easy for me to have access to the emergency personnel.

Saint Pauly: And they’re handy at parties. [Jed glances at me askance, like the doctors in the asylum.] Speaking of weird, did nothing WTF happen during filming?

Jed: I would say just shooting in that house was very creepy. I remember one night, I had just locked up and was getting ready to leave. I was the only one there and looked up and saw the top story light was on. I don’t remember going up there…

Saint Pauly: Ooh, eerie! But let’s peruse the basement, shall we? I need to ensure it’s secure for my private parties–and easy to clean up afterwards.You know, a dedicated space. Which reminds me, who is Unlisted Owner dedicated to?

Jed: Jaunetta Dunahee is my grandmother who was a very artistic person and inspired me when I was young. She passed away in 2006 so she never was able to see what I was able to accomplish. I know she would be very proud.

Saint Pauly: As am I! [Jed wears the look of someone who doesn’t know what he’s bitten into.] Here, take a seat and tell me what you’d like to share with your millions of fans.

Jed: I want to thank everyone for their support of Unlisted Owner and my dreams of being a filmmaker. All the fans have helped the movie make it on the top 10 of Amazon’s top 100 hot new horror release list and I am forever grateful for that. I want to add don’t give up on your dreams and go for the gold! If anyone out there is wanting to make a movie go for it! Time goes by fast so don’t get caught up in the blur.

Saint Pauly: [While he’s distracted speaking to me, I quickly tie him to the chair. He tries to struggle but in vain, and I break out my breaking in tools.] Any famous last words?

Jed: If you haven’t seen Unlisted Owner it is Available on DVD at

Amazon: https://www.amazon.com/Unlisted-Owner-Jed-Brian/…/B075RC469T
Barnes & Noble: https://m.barnesandnoble.com/w/dvd-unlisted-owner…/27001193…
Fye: https://www.fye.com/unlisted-owner-amg_video.v592305.html

If you would like to stream the film you can at:
Amazon: https://www.amazon.com/gp/aw/d/B077JJXS16/ref=mp_s_a_1_1…
Google Play: https://play.google.com/store/movies/details?id=F1-rkGwlGzo
YouTube http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=F1-rkGwlGzo
Microsoft Store (so you can get it on your Xbox) https://www.microsoft.com/…/unlisted-owner/8d6kgwxl3cvz/0001
and iTunes!

Our social media
Website http://unlistedowner.com
Twitter https://mobile.twitter.com/unlistedowner?lang=en
Instagram https://www.instagram.com/mr.jed_brian/
Facebook https://m.facebook.com/UnlistedOwnerMovie/
YouTube https://m.youtube.com/user/LawfordCounty/videos

Just a reminder that Jed Brian and I never met face to face. I’ve never had the pleasure of visiting Sumner, IL, nor visiting its haunted houses. Instead, the entire interview was conducted by email, where I changed my bits to make up the story but left Jed’s answers untouched. If you enjoyed the interview (and even if you didn’t) please consider checking out his film and supporting independent film making!

Spoiler Alert:

I shall be exploring Ghostland, digging up its dirt and mapping out its plots to find if it’s new territory or a broken home. So read on only if you’ve already seen Ghostland, or don’t plan to.

Watch GHOSTLAND here

0:01:05 The film opens with a photograph of writer H. P. Lovecraft and the quotation:

Freakin’ awesome horror writer. The best. By far.
Elizabeth Keller

Elizabeth is the central character of the film, and a good judge of horror writers.

[N.B. Lovecraft is evoked here because the film is stylistically Lovecraftian (isolation, antiquated, madness…)]

0:01:37

[N.B. The Amish boy running across the intro is Malick Laugier, son of director Pascal Laugier.]

0:03:11 A mother (French singer/actress Mylène Farmer as Pauline) is driving across country to relocate with her two daughters Vera (Taylor Hickson) and Elizabeth / Beth (Emilia Jones). In the car, the two girls are bickering as Beth is reading aloud a horror story she wrote and Vera wants her to stop being morbid. She thinks horror stories shouldn’t be aloud.

Pauline: Temps mort, Vera. [Time out, Vera.]
Vera: I don’t speak French.

But she kisses it!

[N.B. The choice of Mylène Farmer as the mum is interesting as the need to have a French mother for the story is not only unnecessary, it’s distracting. It’s almost certainly because director Pascal Laugier (Martyrs) is also French and directed the music video Mylène Farmer: City of Love. In fact, Ms Farmer texted Laugier and asked if he might have a role for her in his next feature film, and he offered her the lead. A role over which she stressed somewhat, as she wasn’t comfortable with her English accent and so had a coach to assist her.]

0:03:32 or 35 A rabid looking sweets truck races up behind the ladies’ station wagon, horns blaring and sirens wailing. According to their signage, they have a Good Ol’ Taste for Kids — and they look hungry.

[N.B. Note the double entendre in the slogan. A “Good Ol’ Taste for Kids” could mean the taste is what the kids enjoy, but it could also mean the truck owners / operators have a taste for children.]

0:04:01

0:04:06

Pauline: Bravo, Vera. Ça c’est vraiment la grande classe. [Way to go, Vera. Very classy.]
Vera: No French!

Vera sounds like the bouncer at an English pub.

0:05:08 During a quick bout of exposition in a convenience store on the way, we learn that the Keller women are moving into dead Aunt Clarice’s old house (Pauline’s sister). With any luck, the film will be half as moving.

0:05:46 Would seem there’s a spate of family murdering and teen torturing in the area. When your new neighbourhood has everything, and you wish it didn’t.

0:06:17 Beth tells Vera about the article.

Beth: It says some guy is breaking into people’s homes, murdering the parents and sparing the daughters. The daughter’s about your age.
Vera: Uh-huh, and…?
Beth: He stays in the house with her, along with the parents’ dead bodies.
Vera: You made that up.

Vera is sounding presidential.

0:06:52 The ladies arrive at their new home after dark.

Vera: Jesus Christ, it’s Rob Zombie’s house.

Would you like some afterthought to go with that foreshadowing?

0:07:01

0:08:06 While exploring the house, the girls find a mirror with a secret button that opens to reveal a jump scare.

[N.B. The house is full of dolls, most of them creepy.]

0:08:58 Beth starts her first period, and I don’t mean in high school.

0:09:58 Outside the house, Pauline talks to Vera about the obvious sibling rivalry between the two sisters. Vera then mentions she found a fictional interview Beth had written in which she (Beth) is a celebrity.

Vera: She made the whole thing up! Like, in it she’s some famous writer and this journalist is asking her all these questions about her books. She needs a reality check.

I had a reality check once but it bounced and I became morally bankrupt.

[N.B. This is foreshadowing to 22:32. It helps determine what’s real and fake in the film.]

0:10:48 The sweets van shows up in the background, unbeknownst to the girls. The situation is about to get sticky.

0:12:56 While her daughters are upstairs, Pauline is at the ground floor on a call with bad reception. Suddenly, a big, oafish brute barrels down the corridor and runs into her like a chance meeting with a semi.

0:13:28 The brute commences smelling a doll’s crotch area. Which smells like every other area if you’re a doll.

0:13:42 The girls stumble upon the scene and run to another room. While we hear the noises of their struggle, we see another, snakier figure emerging from the van and moving towards the house. The more the scarier.

[N.B. We’re perhaps meant to think this is a woman but I saw straight off it was a man dressed in women’s clothing. Another trans psychopath, which isn’t very politically correct in this day and age.]

0:13:51

0:14:32 The brute (Rob Archer as Fat Man) drags the teens into the basement where he sniffs Beth’s netherlands and casts her side as he can smell she’s on her period. She’s aged enough but a little too ripe.

0:14:58 Vera isn’t so lucky. The brute pulls her off camera to keep an R rating.

0:15:46 Beth flees the cellar and runs to the front door but she doesn’t know how to unlock things (WTF!?) so returns to the cellar after ‘the woman’ slaps her. Talk about underground hits.

0:16:17

We just want to play with dolls.

The Woman (Kevin Power as ‘Candy Truck Woman’)

She’s at the top of the stairs, talking to Beth who is on the steps. Before either of them can do anything, Pauline rushes across the kitchen and crashes into the Candy Truck Woman. #CandyCrush

0:17:47 After much banging, breaking and thrashing about, it appears as though Pauline has defeated the Candy Truck Woman. She tells Beth to run away as far as possible, then runs into the cellar when she hears Vera scream. Motherhood is a pain, but so is being beaten by a serial killer.

0:18:47 Pauline then stabs the Fat Man to death and then, after the Candy Truck Woman comes to and joins the fray, Pauline stabs her again as well. Being a mother may well be a pain, but being a Candy Truck Woman is a pain in the neck.

0:18:57 The scene in the cellar and the ensuing stabbing orgy is the end of a nightmare. In a jump forward, Adult Beth (Crystal Reed) falls from her bed screaming, to be consoled by her ginger husband (Adam Hurtig as Beth’s Husband). He tells her it was in the distant past and she calms down, but, to be honest, he’s so handsome that I don’t care.

[N. B. Props to casting agent Carmen Kotyk on finding an Adult Beth who so closely resembles a Young Beth. When I saw this in the cinema, I’d assumed it was the same actress.]

0:20:11 We find Beth in a luxury apartment in Chicago, framed covers of her bestsellers on the wall and a photo of Lovecraft on her desk beside an old typewriter. She looks like Stephen Queen (a female Stephen King, people!).

[N.B. Note how the set seems two dimensional here, like scenery for a play compared to the rich set of the old house. There is a reason for this dichotomy.]

0:22:32 Elizabeth is being interviewed about her latest book on a chat show called ‘Eve’ (think Ellen, but replace ‘gay’ with ‘old’). Her book is entitled Incident in a Ghostland (also an alternate title for this film) and is the story of two teen girls being held captive in an old house. Like my life, this is based on a true story.

[N. B. Their young son sleeps on the sofa while the Elizabeth and her husband watch the replay. The boy is dressed in a harlequin costume which he loves. This will be important later (at 51:55).]

0:23:28 Elizabeth receives a telephone call.

Vera [hysterical]: Beth, please, you have to come back.
Beth: Vera?
Vera: Come back!
Beth : Is mom there with you?
Vera: They’re in the house!
Beth: Vera, listen to me.
Vera: You’re not hearing me, Beth!
Beth: I hear you.
Vera: Don’t leave me alone, Beth!

When your past calls back to haunt you.

0:25:34 Beth returns to the old house to visit her mum and sister, who’s flipped more than McDonald’s burgers.

0:28:08 While mum and Beth catch up, Vera begins shrieking in the cellar. She locks herself in there, but there’s a spare key on the jamb over the door. No place better to hit bottom than a basement…

0:28:32 Adult Vera (Anastasia Phillips) introduces herself with a jump scare out of the closet, which is the best way to come out, should you ask me. She’s more of a wreck than the Titanic on the rocks.

0:30:44

Last week I found her in my room, tied to the radiator. She was screaming like… I had to turn around to make sure no one was there.

Pauline [to Elizabeth, after Vera is down]

Or perhaps she simply doesn’t appreciate being tied to the radiator?

0:32:48

0:33:11 After a jump scare nightmare, Elizabeth wakes up to discover someone has scrawled ‘Help me!!’ in the wardrobe mirror. Judging by the mess the house is in, I’d say it was the maid.

0:33:58 Elizabeth seeks out Vera whom she finds in a pile of neuroses in a corner of the basement.

Vera: Are you going to let me die alone?
Elizabeth: You’re not going to die alone, Vera.
Vera: They’re making me pay when you’re not there. I move and they burn me. I scream and… Please, please, I’m begging you, tell them I’m not a bad girl.

Someone should tell someone something because Vera is more scarred than I was after watching Faces of Death in my early teens.

0:39:38 While wandering about the house alone after dark, Elizabeth comes across Vera handcuffed to the headboard of a bed, and not in the good way.

0:40:28 As soon as Elizabeth leaves the room to locate a key to the chains, the door slams shut, locks itself, and sounds of Vera being beaten echo from the room. Either that or she’s watching Fifty Shades of Grey with the volume up.

0:41:12 While Elizabeth peers through the keyhole to investigate Vera’s sudden silence, a strange figure passes before her, frightening her to bits. However, we are left feeling neither jumped nor scared.

0:42:32 Now Elizabeth witnesses her sister being beaten by a ghost. This is the real phantom menace.

0:43:12

I know why you did that. I know what you want from your sister.

Pauline [to Vera’s crumpled form]

Not a break, her finger already got one.

0:44:34 While searching the house for Vera, Elizabeth finds a jump scare and hears a voice from her past.

Candy Truck Woman: We broke your sister. And now, it’s your turn.

Damn, I hate being broke.

0:44:51 While wandering the house dazed and confused, Elizabeth happens upon Fat Man who lumbers past her in the corridor. It would seem this passage is scary.

0:46:00 Elizabeth is so scared she runs to her room and falls asleep. (I tease, but I’m no different. I do the same when I’m scared except ‘the room’ is ‘the bar’ and ‘asleep’ is ‘down drunk’.) Then she’s kidnapped by another jump scare but that’s not surprising, you can’t swing a nearly dead girl by her hair in this house without hitting a jump scare.

0:47:03 The next morning, a beaten and battered and bruised Elizabeth climbs out of bed. Either she’s a different Elizabeth from Chicago Elizabeth or she partied with English girls the night before.

[N.B. The song Elizabeth awakens to is “Teddy Bears Picnic” as performed by Henry Hall and the BBC Dance Orchestra. Frankly, any song from 1932 sounds creepy af.]

0:49:01 The new and unproved Elizabeth runs through the deserted house looking for her mum, then slows and descends into the cellar where she knows she’ll find Vera.

Elizabeth: What did you do to me?
Vera: Do you understand now, Beth?
Elizabeth: Vera, what did you do to me!?
Vera: They broke me, and now they’re playing with you.

Stop toying with me!

0:49:28

Vera: For once in your life, stop running away. Try to accept reality! Come back!

OMG, if I had a dollar for every time the voices in my head told me this.

0:50:06 Adult Elizabeth now has a new set of flashbacks where her mum dies rather than saves her [see 17:47]. I’m speechless, but not as much as her mum.

0:51:38

Vera [caressing Elizabeth’s battered face]: Are you back? Beth, are you back?
[Beth nods]

Just like that we learn Elizabeth’s life as a famous writer was a fantasy world she created to free her from her harsh reality in the cellar. Basically, everything from 18:57 onward is a dream sequence, which explains the superficial look of the sets and that Vera’s dialogue was, in fact, sane the whole time and that Beth was the crazy one. It’s like finding out your idiot friend was right all along, and that you were the drunk one.

[N.B. Go back and read the exchange at 23:28 to see how Vera was pleading with Beth to burst the bubble of her fantasy world. And remember the scene in front of the house at 9:58? Vera tells her mum how she caught Beth fake interviewing herself, which is the exact same skill set Beth needed to build a world she could escape into.]

0:51:55

Vera: You were talking to them like they were real.

Tinder for shut-ins.

[N.B. Elizabeth used these images to create her imaginary family. Note the little boy is in a harlequin costume. Remember way back at 22:32 when the parents were discussing how their child never wanted to remove the costume? Now you know why.]

0:53:42

[Beth looks at posters on the wall of Chicago and a soup advert. Chicago is where fantasy Beth lived and the woman in the soup poster is the chat show host. Another example of how Beth appropriated her reality to incorporate it into her fantasy world.]

0:57:14 Candy Truck Woman applies makeup to Beth to make her look like a toy dolly for the Fast Man. Most girls like getting dolled up.

[N.B. Beth sees her dead mother in the reflection of a mirror, and has not decomposed. This helped me understand that girls have been held captive for a number of days. The young actresses portray the girls as children / victims, while the older addresses portray Beth’s imaginary future.]

0:58:47 The Fat Man limps into the room while Beth sneaks a hair pin from a doll and slides it into her own hand. She also obeys her sister’s instructions not to move or make a sound, or it will be worse. Basically, she’s meant to be obscene and not heard.

1:00:22 Fat Man takes a doll and, when it makes a noise, he bends its fingers backwards and lights it on fire with a blow torch. He has burning desires.

1:00:58 He grabs Beth and holds her upside down by her foot, so when she pees herself out of fear, the urine runs down over her face. If you don’t like golden showers, urine trouble.

1:02:58 Beth stabs the brute in the shoulder with her hair pin. It would’ve been a perfect plan if he had some major organs in his shoulder.

1:05:36 Beth renders Fat Man unconscious by hitting him on the head repeatedly with an old fashioned typewriter. Talk about getting the last word in!

1:07:26 Beth hides from Candy Truck Woman in the scary doll wardrobe. [See 8:06.] Is she happy there? Don’t ask, that’s Narnia business!

1:07:41 Predictably, the doll in the closet starts laughing maniacally because it thinks jump scares are hilarious.

1:10:11 Beth collects Vera and the two try to sneak out of the house but walking outside is evidently more difficult for them than it is for me.

1:10:52 The girls finally escape and run through the fields at night, freer than air on a windy day.

1:12:21 As surprising as it may seem in a horror film, a police car actually stops to help them in a field, picking them up like the vegetables they have become.

1:13:40 Nice misdirect, while the male cop runs back to the cruiser to call in the incident, we see headlights of a large vehicle slowly approaching. The tension mounts as we wait for the sweets truck to do something… until it passes and we see it’s a nondescript small lorry and not the candy truck. Well played, Frenchy director, well played.

1:13:48 Then, just as we let our guard down… Bam! Bam! Two bullets tear through the cop and two more through his female partner. We see Candy Truck Woman striding across a field with her gun held straight out before her. She’s taking some pretty cheap shots at those police officers.

1:15:42 The young women are locked in the back of sweets van and returned to the house of horror, where Fat Man awaits the delivery as though they were a meat lovers pizza.

1:16:04 Beth chooses this moment to check out of reality and into her fantasy land where she’s hosting a fancy dress event. She casts the dead police officer as a guest in a dinner jacket. Actually, I think I’d rather be caught dead.

[N.B. Who is James at 1:16:34? The woman taking the tray of hors d’œuvres at 1:16:02 is the store owner from 5:08. The dead female officer makes a cameo at 1:18:47, in a gown.]

1:17:28 H.P. Lovecraft sits beside her on a sofa. He tells her that her novel is a masterpiece and walks away. I don’t know why she’s so flattered, a lot of famous people have complimented my writing in my dreams.

1:18:52 Beth catches a glimpse of her sister running about the room in her nightgown, so follows her out of the room to investigate and finds Vera screaming and pawing at the pane of glass in the door to the upper level. In order to rescue Vera, Beth leaps through the glass door and is captured by the brute. More than her illusions were shattered.

[N.B. While filming this scene, actress Taylor Hickson (Vera) was instructed to beat on the glass so hard that she broke through it, falling forward and cutting her face on the shards. She required 70 stitches and extensive surgery to her face and later sued the production company. Many thought the choice of poster art was in poor choice, considering the accident.]

1:20:31 While the Fat Man is choking her, the doll in the wardrobe suddenly decides to pop out for no apparent reason and begin its maniacal laughter once again (and WTF!?). This distracts the beast enough that Beth can flee and rescue her sister from the Candy Truck Woman. That’ll teach the Fat Man to attack someone coming out of the closet.

1:21:28 During the struggle, a policeman arrives and shoots the Fat Man and the Candy Truck Woman. (The police knew where to look because the police officer who found the girls in the field had called in the incident and said that the girls had escaped the Jourdan house. See 1:13:40) The psychos now contain as much lead as the water in Flint, MI.

1:23:44 The girls are put on stretchers and taken from the house to a waiting ambulance.

1:24:32 From the top window, the ghost of her mum points to an old typewriter on the ground. Thanks mum, but I’ll pick up the rubbish after I get out of the hospital.

Roll credits

Tally Ho’

• WTF!?’s: 3 haunting ones
• When to Follow: A Saturday night, turn off the lights, put down your phone, and fire up the popcorn film.
• Where’s This Found: A cross between a haunted house ride and a roller coaster, Ghostland combines traditional thrills and chills with some intense twists and turns that will leave you spent and satisfied when the ride is over.  The film keeps you alert and on the edge of your seat, and not just waiting for the scene of Taylor Hicksons’ disfiguring accident. Ghostland contains some fictional suspense in addition to the real life drama which took place during the filming.  What’s more, like a modern carnival ride, there is no down time in Ghostland. Every scene is an action scene without a minute wasted on exposition or romance, and what more can you ask for from a horror film? It may not scare you, but this intelligent ghost story will certainly entertain you. Out of a possible 10, I have 7 F’s to give

• What To Feedback: In addition to helping out and letting me know on which character Beth based her fantasy personage James (see 1:16:04), answer this for me…

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Spoiler Alert:

I shall be unearthing Hereditary‘s roots, analysing its makeup and digging into it’s origins to determine if it’s a brainchild or spoiled. So read on only if you’ve already seen Hereditary, or don’t plan to.

Watch HEREDITARY here

The good news is, Hereditary is an A24 film, so it’s great by definition. Swiss Army Man and American Honey have been my absolute favourite films in recent years, so I went in to this film with expectations higher than Snoop Dogg at Burning Man.

0:00:43 An obituary appears on the screen concerning a woman called Ellen Taper Leigh who was 78. I just hope her life was more exciting than her obit.

[N.B. In an interview with Newsweek, director Ari Aster states that the obit wasn’t in the script, but an idea he came up with in the editing room. He chose to lead with this because the film deals with death, loss and grief.]

0:01:13 We are looking through a house window at a tree-house, which is meant for people in high places.

[N.B. Bill, one of my readers, shared an interesting insight, based on the ‘Y’-like symbol seen on the side of the tree house. He says “ᛉ On the outside of the treehouse / Paimon’s temple the structure clearly gives the shape of the rune Algiz. Given the symbolism in the film I highly doubt that’s a coincidence. That particular Algiz was used to symbolize a birth in the German neopagan revival that was roughly coterminous with the 3rd Reich. The same shape inverted was used to symbolize death.” Thank you for you contribution, Bill!]

0:02:49 Inside the room is what seems to be a dollhouse, and the camera zooms in on a bedroom, which magically becomes full-sized. I’d love to do this trick on my flat and make it a real, human-sized apartment.

0:03:46 While his wife (Toni Collette as Annie) waits in the car, the father (Gabriel Byrne as Steve) must rouse his children to take them to the funeral for Ellen, the star of the obituary. His daughter (Milly Shapiro as Charlie) sneaked out of her room to sleep in the tree house. She must like being high.

[N.B. This isn’t random on Charlie’s part. The tree house is a temple to Paimon, the demon inhabiting the film, and Charlie is sleeping here because she’s possessed by him. In fact, she has been possessed by him since birth [as confirmed by Aster in this interview with Variety]. That she is possessed also explains why she doesn’t feel the cold of the space.]

[ Exclusive Easter egg: Note that along the wall is a rudimentary altar to Paimon built atop two crates marked ‘Hercules Powder’. Hercules was a Roman god whose fatal flaw was ignoring the signs around him. Direct reference is made to his Greek counterpart Heracles at 15:16. Both the altar and the boxes make the father’s comment all the more ironic.]

0:04:21 In her eulogy of her mother, Annie remarks upon how many strangers are in attendance. Her mother had a secret circle of friends, and a lot of other secret shapes, as well.

[N.B. We will eventually learn this is the symbol of Paimon.]

0:04:41

My mother was a very secretive and private woman. She had private rituals, private friends, private anxieties.

Witch one?

0:05:12 Ellen liked the pendant so much that she would be caught dead in it.

[N.B. The symbol is known as the ‘Seal of Paimon’ and comes from the grimoire The Lesser Key of Solomon.]

0:05:14

[ Note that the smiling man at the wake will reappear to Peter later (at 1:53:12). Also note the blue light at the edge of the photo. This is an extension of Paimon and is seen throughout the film, usually guiding the characters.]

0:05:39 While her mother eulogises her grandmother, Charlie makes a clucking sound with her tongue against the roof of her mouth and draws a sketch of her mother at the podium. With her pencil, she makes her mother seem out of line.

[N.B. Charlie isn’t making the clucking noise, the spirit inhabiting her body is. The noise is used to indicate Paimon’s presence.]

0:05:57 One of the occult mourners discreetly rubs some sort of oil on the dead woman’s lips. You wouldn’t want the heat in Hell to chap your lips, would you?

0:06:12 Charlie watches on while eating a chocolate bar. Both parents confirm there are no nuts in the treat because evidently Charlie is highly allergic. Thus, she’s the least nutty of the family.

0:07:08

[ It’s difficult to see from this distance, but the miniature home in the foyer is in fact a ‘model prison’, meaning that it has barred windows and a safe for a door to symbolise how the family is trapped inside of it. Toronto Life takes an interactive, in-depth look at all of the miniatures and how they were made. Here’s a close-up from their article. Click on the photo to read the article.]

0:07:11 We learn that Annie’s career is to construct miniatures as art for galleries. Welcome to the small time.

[N.B. In an interview with Vulture, Aster states, “The models serve as something of a metaphor for the family’s situation. They ultimately have no agency and they’re revealed to be like dolls in a dollhouse, being manipulated by outside forces.” I also suspect that Annie is the one who makes the miniatures because she feels helpless in her life, and this activity gives her the impression she has some control over her surroundings.]

0:08:35

[N.B. Aster states that the desktop is a shrine to Paimon that Charlie is making, which is a little WTF-y if you ask me, because Charlie is Paimon, which means Paimon is constructing a shrine to himself. God complex much?]

0:09:06 At bedtime, Annie consoles Charlie over Ellen’s death.

Annie: You know you were her favourite, right? Even when you were a little baby, she wouldn’t let me feed you because she needed to feed you. Drove me crazy.
Charlie: She wanted me to be a boy.

That would be a trans formation.

[N.B. Note that when Annie says ‘she needed to feed’ you, she means this quite literally according to the diorama. This entire dialogue is key because it hints that 1) Ellen took care of Charlie from birth because Ellen somehow placed Paimon in Charlie (this is confirmed later in the same conversation when Annie tells Charlie, “You never cried as a baby. Not even when you were born,”) and 2) that Paimon can only permanently inhabit a male, which is why Ellen wished Charlie were born a boy. As it is, Charlie is simply a rental while Paimon looks for something more permanent.

Annie also mentions in this conversation with Charlie that she was a tomboy as a child. At first I was thinking, ‘Why is she going into so much detail about her youth?’ Then I read a comment by user Doulor76 on the official Reddit discussion page who theorises that, originally, Ellen used her daughter Annie as a host. This would explain the remark of Annie’s, “You know, I was a tomboy when I was growing up. I hated dresses and dolls and pink.” Ellen placed Paimon in her son, who rejected it (see 19:41), so Ellen used Annie, who learned to make miniatures just as Charlie likes to make miniatures. Ellen then moved Paimon to Charlie when Peter was unavailable due to Annie’s protection of him.]

0:10:47

[N.B. On the wall over Charlie’s bed, the word ‘Satony’ is scrawled in pen. In his Reddit AMA, Ari Aster states, “[The words on the wall] are isolated pieces of an invocation spell that is suggested to be written all over the house. We only see three of these in the film, but there are many more (probably written behind furniture or otherwise hidden).” ‘Satony’ is one of these words, and also is Spoken during the spells incanted later in the film.]

0:11:58 At the bottom of a cardboard box of her mother’s belongings, Annie finds a book entitled Notes on Spiritualism. Inside the cover is a note left her from her mother.

My darling, dear, beautiful Annie,
Forgive me for all the things I could not tell you. Please don’t hate me and try not to despair your losses. You will see in the end they were worth it.
Our sacrifice will pale next to the rewards.
Love, Mommy

File this in the Dead Letter office.

0:12:26 As she’s leaving the room, Annie spots her mother’s ghost. Ghosts are so superficial, you can see right through them.

0:14:31 Charlie is meant to betaking a quiz in class (but is, in fact, trying to fit a head atop a toy robot). At this moment, a pigeon flies into the window of her classroom and dies. School is not for bird brains.

0:15:16 Charlie’s older brother, Peter (Alex Wolff, real-life younger brother of Nat Wolff who starred in one of the worst films I’ve ever seen), texts a friend in class about ‘waxing his D’ and smoking a bowl. What he misses is this:

Teacher (Morgan Lund as Mr. Davis): What is Heracles’ flaw?
Student (Mallory Bechtel as Bridget): Arrogance.
Mr. Davis: OK, why?
Bridget: Because he literally refuses to look at all the signs that are literally being handed to him throughout the entire play.

Kind of like Peter is doing at that exact same moment… Hmm, something literally smells symbolic in here.

[ On the blackboard at the front of the class, the teacher has written ‘THEMES, Escaping fate’, in case you missed the reference above.]

0:15:48

If it’s all just inevitable, then that means the characters have no hope. They never had hope because they’re all just, like, hopeless. They’re all like pawns in this horrible, hopeless machine.

The class goes on to discuss how Heracles (just like the Grahams) had no choice in the outcome of his destiny. This is a part you should pay more attention to than Peter did.

0:16:18

During recess, Charlie clips the head off the pigeon who died hitting the window, using shears she pilfered from the classroom. This is how one gets a head in life.

[N.B. This is symbolic because 1) Charlie enjoys tinkering with inanimate creations (remember her fitting a head on a robot in class at 14:31) and now that her grandmother has passed, she’s ready to graduate to the next step: animal Legos, 2) this is foreshadowing, which we’ll see shortly and 3) beheading is a family tradition with the Grahams.]

0:16:33 Ellen’s ghost (or, possibly, one of the members of the cult) appears to Charlie from afar. If it is gran, she’s like homemade jam: well preserved.

0:16:52 Remember Ellen’s ghost at 11:58? Annie does because she researches “Norms on Discerning Presumed Apparitions” online.

0:17:38 The door to Ellen’s room opens mysteriously and Annie isn’t the only thing that’s floored.

[N.B. Triangles are big witch symbols.]

0:18:24

What does that mean, ‘desecrated’?

Steve on the phone with the cemetery

Dude, buy a dictionary.

[N.B. In fact, we’ll later learn that Ellen’s body was removed from the grave by the cult of Paimon. Paimon, according to the website NME, “is usually referred to as a high-level entity in hell’s social strata, usually a king or a duke … According to lore, Paimon would come to our world wearing a crown and bearing gifts for followers, so there’s your motive for bringing him here.”]

0:19:41 Annie lies to Steven and says she’s going to the movies but goes to a grief recovery meeting instead. Tbh, I believe they’re the same thing.

My older brother had schizophrenia, and when he was 16 he hanged himself in my mother’s bedroom and of course his suicide note blamed her, accusing her of putting people inside him. […] I didn’t let her anywhere near me when I had my first, my son. Which is why I gave her my daughter, who she immediately stabbed her hooks into.

Annie during the meeting

[N.B. This is a critical scene in the film as it gives us a huge chunk of exposition. First, we learn that Ellen tried to use her own son as a body for Paimon, but this didn’t work as her son wasn’t prepared, though he did kill himself because he felt he was being dispossessed. Ideally, Ellen would’ve wanted to use her grandson, Peter (Annie’s son), as a permanent host for Paimon, but here we learn Annie wouldn’t let her mother near the boy. So Ellen had to use the next best thing, which was Charlie, who Annie gave to her mother gladly, and who Ellen immediately used as a vessel for Paimon.]

[N.B. Note that Joan is already present in this first meeting. She’s the leader of the Cult of Paimon now that Ellen has passed and her presence at these meetings is not a coincidence.]

0:23:46

[Note that when Peter blows smoke from his bong hit out of his bedroom window, he doesn’t notice a cult member in the tree house blowing smoke, as well. In the Vulture interview, Aster states, “You are supposed to feel through the film that there are people on the periphery that are watching this family and are hovering just outside.”]

0:23:52 God but I love tilt-shift.

0:24:22 What appears to be a trick of the light is, in fact, an externalisation of Paimon’s force, like a flashing road sign to draw Paimon / Charlie’s attention to the tree house. This device will be used for Peter and Annie, as well.

0:25:22 Charlie’s motivation behind the pigeon head is linked to the shrine she made for Paimon (see 8:35) and is a metaphor for what Paimon is doing to this family, i.e. cutting off their heads and reassembling them with different entities. They can’t keep their own parts so they must Lego.

0:27:04 Charlie has a seventh sense, she sees weird people

0:28:26 Annie forces Peter to take Charlie with him to a party. He promises he won’t drink but so did you when you were his age and look what happened.

[N.B. On his way to the party, the kids pass a telephone pole with strange markings on it. Notice the design is the symbol of Paimon, the same as the pendant on Ellen’s necklace in the coffin.]

0:28:56 Young high-school girls are baking a cake in the middle of a party. I find this much more difficult to believe than witchcraft.

[Exclusive Easter Egg The three young women are reminiscent of the three hags in Shakespeare’s Macbeth so… who knows? Maybe they’re witches after all.]

[N.B. The song playing in the party when Peter and Charlie arrive is “Sledge Hammer” by No Genre. It’s included on the playlist found at the bottom of this post.]

0:31:07 Peter and Bridget go off into a room to smoke weed, so he tells Charlie to get some of that witch cake and leave him alone. Oh, she’ll leave him alone all right.

0:32:24

Charlie: I think my throat’s getting bigger.

Charlie interrupts Peter mid-bowl to tell him she’s having an allergic reaction (to the nuts at 28:56). Is she going to live? Don’t hold your breath!

0:33:39 While Peter rushes her to the emergency room, Charlie puts her head out of the window to get fresh air, but then she loses it.

0:34:20 Help! As Peter sits in the car, trying to process what’s just happened, his eyes are drawn to a strange object at the roadside. I’m not able to determine what this is, but as you are all far more intelligent than I, perhaps you can see something here that I cannot? What is this thing beside the road after Charlie dies!? [Click on the shots to see the full size]

[N.B. My friend JJ mentioned in the comments that it might be a sort of jeep. I, myself, had my suspicions along these lines but dismissed them because the angle and depth perception made me think the object was to small to be a vehicle. However, JJ’s bravery in taking a stand has convinced me to state that the thing is indeed a vehicle, driven by one or more cult members who have parked there to ensure that Charlie has eaten her just desserts. This is now my official position until I hear from Ari Aster himself that it’s something different. Thank you, JJ!]

0:37:02 In total shock, Peter drives straight home with the corpse in the back seat and calls neither his family, nor the police, nor the ambulance. He’s burying his head in the sand, and should have done the same with Charlie. 

0:37:36 We see Peter’s blank face while we hear Annie leaving to go to the shop, and then her screams when she finds her daughter’s headless corpse in the car. That was thoughtless of Peter, but Charlie is even more thoughtless right now.

0:37:52

0:38:54 Toni Collette’s portrayal of mourning merits an Academy Award, for crying out loud!

0:40:13

[The word ‘Zazas’ is written in pen on the wall over Annie and Steve’s bed. According to an article in NME, “‘Zasas’ is a word used by famed British occultist Aleister Crowley when summoning a demon called Choronzon.”]

0:41:48 Annie has taken to sleeping in the tree house / temple. She needs a lot of space heaters because her heart is in it but the devil isn’t.

0:47:28 Before Annie can drive away from a grief recovery group (see 19:41), she’s stopped by Joan (Anne Dowd) who explains she lost her son and 7-year-old grandson in a drowning. She gives her number to Annie and says to call if she wants to talk but, like her son and grandson, I think her story is all wet.

[N.B. Joan is, in fact, the new High Priestess of the cult and she’s been stalking Annie in order to trick her into participating in a demon ritual.]

0:49:36 Peter hears Charlie’s ghost while he’s in bed and it scares the cluck out of him.

0:49:47 Someone is trying to tell them something. (Hint: It’s Joan.)

0:50:01 When recreating a miniature version of Charlie’s room, Annie remembers to include the ‘satony’ scrawled on the wall (see 10:47). Watch out for the small print!

0:50:18 Annie is finishing up for the day when a ghost knocks over her paint jar to draw attention to the number Joan left. Apparently ghosts use paint for their signs.

[Exclusive Easter Egg Pay close attention to the GIF: Paimon arrives as a light in the top, right corner of the image and spills the paint; Annie doesn’t touch it.]

0:51:47 When she goes to meet Joan at Joan’s flat, Annie recognises the welcome mat as one her mother made. Joan laughs it off as a coincidence, but I suspect there’s more to the story than meets the feet.

0:52:13

Annie (describing finding Charlie dead): And the body, covered in black blood, like tar.

Bloody Hell!

[N.B. Black blood is a trait shared by all of those who Paimon possesses. The same thick, dark blood will be discovered on Ellen’s exhumed body (see 1:37:25).]

0:52:56 Annie finds a strange herb in the tea Joan has prepared, and not the sort which is now legal in Canada.

[N.B. According to the Ari Aster AMA on Reddit, this is the same herb that Helen used when feeding Charlie to “prime her for the ritual that allows Paimon to possess her body.”]

0:54:18 Annie tells the story of a few years ago when she was sleepwalking and doused the kids in paint thinner and woke up as she was striking a match. Peter holds this against her like an angry erection when you’re wrestling with porn addiction.

0:56:23 Annie is recreating the scene in which Charlie dies, bringing her grief down to size.

0:58:32 Peter and Annie get in an argument at dinner.

Annie: All I get back is that fucking face on your face.

At least he’s not losing face.

1:01:47 Annie has a ‘chance’ meeting with Joan in a car park, where Joan tells Annie she attended an open séance (see 49:47) and met a medium rare enough that she came back to Joan’s flat to conjure up her son and grandson. Talk about a happy medium!

[N.B. Note that Joan has recently purchased blackboards in the rear of her vehicle. I surmise this is because she’s just bought them for the séance trick she’s going to play on Annie (see 1:07:41).]

1:06:12 Joan convinces Annie to return with her to her apartment where Joan summons the spirit of her dead grandson. With all of those spirits, it’s a good thing they have a glass!

1:07:04

1:07:48 Joan gives Annie a copy of the ‘incantation’ to bring back the ghost of Charlie at home. Complete with instructions.

Joan: First, light the candle, then choose an item that belonged to your daughter…. Then, when you’re ready, read this out loud, every syllable, very carefully…. It’s to make things start. But remember, your whole family, every member, needs to be in the house. Your son, everyone. Very important.

Plus, Annie should do this in the ‘after-living’ room.

[N.B. In fact, Joan is tricking Annie, saying that it’s a spell to raise Charlie, when it’s actually a spell to facilitate the transition of Paimon into Peter, hence the insistence that everyone be present (see 1:18:12).]

1:08:53 After Joan tells Annie that Charlie isn’t dead, Annie drives home and hears the Charlie / Paimon noise coming from the back seat. Annie may not give a cluck, but Paimon does.

1:11:16

1:13:12 Annie has a dream within a dream in which she tells Peter her mother pressured her into having Peter, while she did everything she could to have a miscarriage.

[N.B. Ellen wanted her daughter to give birth to a male receptacle for Paimon.]

At the end of the nightmare, Annie lights herself and Peter on fire. This is hotter than any of my dreams.

1:13:18 Annie can be heard practising the spell in the bathroom in the middle of the night, and the word ‘Paimon’ can be heard distinctly more than once. That, or she’s run out of toilet paper and is saying ‘Hey, man’, hoping someone will notice. That, or she’s dealing drugs out of her toilet and is saying ‘Pay, man’. That, or she’s started her period and is saying ‘Pain, god!’

1:14:12 The second miniature house beside the stairway can be seen clearly (see 7:08). It’s for getting back to one’s roots.

1:18:28 Annie forces her family to do a séance. Unfortunately, she thinks she’s called up Charlie but she’s actually called up an evil entity. The real, dispossessed Charlie speaks through Annie. It’s a very spirited discussion.

[N.B. In Variety, Ari Aster explains that Joan tricked Annie with the fake ‘séance’ at 1:06:12. “It plays as a séance scene but really it’s a much darker conjuring and they need Annie to take part in it in order to bring it in the house and in order to further this ritual along. When she invites it in, she escalates things.”]

1:20:24

[N.B. See note at 10:47 for Aster’s explanation concerning the words on the wall. As for these words specifically, in the same AMA he adds, “Liftoach Pandemonium” has a special significance. It translates as “Open Up Chaos (or Hell).”]

1:21:34 While following the blue light around the classroom with his eyes, Peter catches a glimpse of his own reflection in the glass door of a cabinet…smiling at him. Freaking out, he stands and runs out of the classroom, telling his teacher he needs to go to the bathroom. Frankly, I think he already has.

[N.B. The blue light is Paimon, getting Peter ready before moving in.]

1:24:37 Annie destroys all of her work. Like her workshop, she’s a nervous wreck. 

[N.B. Actually, she’s admitting defeat and realising she’s lost total control of what’s happening in her house.]

1:27:36 After Annie watches pictures doodle themselves in Charlie’s notebook, Peter dreams that Charlie is in his room. When she begins to nod, her head falls off and turns into a basketball when it hits the floor. Charlie is bouncing back. 

1:28:28 Peter wakes up screaming, accusing his mum, who is in the room with him, of trying to pull off his head (the same way Charlie died and mirroring the miniature of Pete in bed in Annie’s studio). I can relate to Pete, as my parents frequently bit my head off.

[Note that Annie isn’t sleepwalking now. This is to demonstrate that, while she was ignorant of the situation in the past (sleepwalking through life), now she’s lucid and knows exactly what’s going on (she’s woke).]

1:29:17 Charlie sketches Peter with his eyes crossed out. The crossed out eyes are a reference to the fact that the ‘real’ Peter will be forced out of the body to be replaced by Paimon. The eyes are windows to the soul, but these windows are about to be broken.

[N.B. Though I haven’t been able to find confirmation, there is speculation online that, at one point in the film, Peter was originally meant to lose his eyes. I haven’t been able to obtain a copy of the script, but I doubt this is true.]

1:30:27 When Annie tries to burn Charlie’s sketch book in the fireplace, her own clothes catch at the exact same moment. When she stamps out the flames on the pad, her clothes are doused as well. Which is nice, as no one wants to be fired.

1:31:49 Annie rushes over to Joan’s flat but Joan’s not in. What is in, however, is a triangle carved into her table, with a photo of Pete inside. We also see Charlie’s inventions / persons, and the Paimon symbol hanging on the wall. This is Joan’s altar ego.

1:32:34 Joan shows up at Peter’s school.

Peter! I expel you! Satony! Dagdany! Aparagon!

It’s OK, I’m sure he’s been expelled before.

[N.B. In fact, she’s preparing to remove Peter from his own body so that it might be occupied by the Paimon. Also, note the use of the word ‘Satony’, from 10:47.]

1:33:53 Back at the house, Annie digs through her mother’s books to locate a text stating that King Paimon will possess the most vulnerable host when invoked [Charlie] but will be locked into his ordained host [Peter] when the ritual is complete. Like me, Paimon prefers a male body (and that’s why Charlie is only a temporary home). Also like me, this film has too many possessions.

[ When looking through the box, Annie discovers mats very similar to the one Joan had in front of her apartment (see 51:47). Charlie’s is embroidered with the symbol of Paimon, because he’s been inhabiting her since she was born.]

1:34:55 Looking through her mother’s photo album, Annie sees pictures of her mum with Joan, her mum preparing to marry a demon and her family in a photo on an altar. To hell with the lot of them!

1:35:57 Steven reads an email detailing the disinterment of his step-mum. He can’t believe the hole thing.

[1:37:13 Peter is in class learning about Iphigenia, daughter of Agamemnon who had to sacrifice her to facilitate the war on Troy. This is a reference to the sacrifice of Charlie.]

1:37:25 Annie goes into the attic where she discovers her dead mum under a blanket and under a lot of flies. The Paimon symbol is painted on the wall. This is going to haunt Annie forever… No, wait, it already does.

[N.B. If you ask me (and why wouldn’t you?), Helen married / joined Paimon in a ritual (it probably took place before Charlie was born), as seen by the photos in the photo album. The Cult of Paimon then dug up her corpse (see 1:35:57) and brought it back here for the ritual in which Paimon inhabits Peter. The corpse is headless because, evidently, decapitation is a key part of the ritual. Also note the dress is embroidered with the Paimon symbol.]

1:38:48 In class, Peter hears the clucking sound and turns around looking for Charlie because he doesn’t realise the sound is Paimon, not his sister, and she only made it because she was possessed by Paimon. Paimon possesses Peter, in turn, and forces him to bash his face into his own desk while the entire class watches on. Everyone is sufficiently freaked out, as no one knows what got into him.

1:39:23

1:43:34

Annie: They put a curse on us when we brought Charlie back. We made a pact with something, something that is in this house. I don’t know what it is, but it is after Peter.

Annie catches us up on the plot by explaining that the coven (Joan, Helen and the rest) tricked her into doing a ceremony to revive Charlie (see 1:18:28) when in fact they summoned a demon that is now after Peter. Peter should do some soul searching… just to be sure he still has one.

1:46:25 Annie pleads with Steve to throw the sketch book in the fire. She’s afraid to, as the last time she did, she caught on fire (see 1:30:27), so she fully expects to go up in flames this time as well. She’s sacrificing herself to save Peter. At least that’s the way it looks on (very flammable) paper.

1:46:54 Steven refuses so Annie snatches the book from him and throws it in the fire herself. But she doesn’t go up in a ball of flashes, Steven does, the roast turkey.

[N.B. Steven is expendable for Paimon because, in order to be a host for the demon, one must be a blood descendant of Helen (the film is called Hereditary, after all), and Steven is just an in-law. Peter, however, is a different story. Also, in his Variety interview, Aster says that the reason Steven burns rather than Annie is exactly because she thinks she’s the one who’s going to die–but the forces in the house are unpredictable and neither Annie nor anyone else in the family has any control over what happens. “Ultimately, it’s not her choice to make. She thinks there’s a design here and she can end things if she sacrifices herself. But there’s no design and there are no rules.” Also linked to Steven’s death is the idea that Paimon is said to be the God of Mischief, and here he’s mucking about with Annie (see 1:33:53).]

1:47:05 Annie is in shock as she watches Steven burn, until the light / Paimon washes over her and she becomes instantly calm.

1:47:10 There’s a meeting at the tree house and all the witches show up nude. The dress code is easy to decipher.

1:52:18 Peter wakes up alone in the dark house and notices that there is light in the tree house. Leaving his room, he descends to the ground floor of the home and discovers his father’s charred remains. And he thought he was the burnout of the family!

1:52:42

1:53:12 Peter’s house is very dark.

[ The smiling, naked man in the closet is the same smiling man from the wake (see 5:14).]

1:53:24 In an effective jump scare, Annie leaps out of hiding to chase Peter around the house. He takes refuge in the attic because he’s never seen a horror film in his life.

1:53:49

1:55:06 Looking around the attic, Peter becomes afraid because he sees a photo of himself with the eyes removed (see 1:29:17). Even worse, there are loads of candles and flies… and his parents aren’t even hippies. 

1:56:12 He hears a strange, wet sound and looks up to see his mum hanging from the ceiling, sawing through her own neck with a wire. That wire sure is making an impression!

1:56:30

[N.B. The people are members of the Paimon cult who were performing a ceremony in the attic.]

[ Exclusive Easter egg: Note how the name Life is blanked out in the game.]

1:56:42 Peter panics and jumps through the attic window and lands in the flower bed below. He’s so down to earth.

[N.B. Peter jumps out of the window after his sister, father and now mother all die. These deaths were necessary as he had to be made vulnerable for Paimon to enter his body. Remember the explanation in the text at 1:33:53?]

1:57:11 A shadow passes over him and then a light enters into him. The dark shadow is his mother’s headless corpse passing over him, out of the attic, and the light is the demon Paimon moving into his body like some distant relative with marital problems.

[N.B. Peter dies from the fall and this makes room for Paimon to enter the now-vacant body. Special thanks to Devante in the comments who corrected me when I’d originally thought the shadow was Peter’s spirit leaving his body. Thanks, Devante!]

1:57:31

[N.B. The headless body is Annie’s. We heard it fall to the ground as we watched Peter lying amongst the flowers (see 1:56:42).]

1:58:01 As soon as Peter stands, he makes the clucking sound with his tongue, which means Paimon is now in him after being in his sister. #Pervmon

1:58:12 We see that someone (Paimon perhaps, but most likely the cult) has killed the family dog because it didn’t like the evil infesting the house. The demons had some hair of the dog.

1:58:27 As Peter / Paimon makes his way to the tree house, he walks past many unclad witches who don’t know the meaning of the word ‘exercise’.  The difference between a black magic ritual and an orgy is that with black magic there’s hell to pay, but I have to pay for my own orgies.

1:59:01

1:59:58 In the tree house / temple, the (followers) kneel as Paimon enters the room and espies an idol made of a life-sized artist mannequin emblazoned with the Paimon symbol and wearing Charlie’s head. So it has a not-so-good head on its wooden shoulders. (See 8:35 and 16:18)

[N.B. I have the absolute best readers! Brooke mentioned in the comments section that the shape of the hand atop the staff the icon is holding looks eerily similar to the way Peter held his hand when he raised it in class, before banging his face on the desk (see 1:38:48). I think she’s got a god point, what about you? Staying with the theme of ‘the best readers ever’, Bill comments below that the music playing in this scene is called ‘Reborn’.]

2:00:18 Prostrated at the foot of the idol are the kneeling, headless corpses of Helen and Annie. Does this mean fanatics are brainless?

2:01:27 Joan removes the crown from the idol and places it on Peter. Give him an inch and he thinks he’s a ruler.

2:02:06

Joan: Hey, it’s all right. Charlie… You’re all right, now. You are Paimon, one of the eight kings of Hell.

Jesus, 8 leaders? That does sound like Hell!

[N.B. Joan addresses the entity as ‘Charlie’, because that’s how the entity was referred to for several years.]

2:03:07

[N.B. Note that the final shot is meant to resemble a miniature (thus closing the loop with the miniature that begins the film ) nativity scene. Also note, Aster has admitted this shot was inspired by The Night of the Hunter.]

2:03:16 The song at the end is Judy Collins covering Joni Mitchell’s, ‘Both Sides Now’. [It’s on the playlist at the bottom of this synopsis, along with the soundtrack and the other songs from the film.] Aster says he chose it because “It’s like the anthem for disenchantment, and I thought it was a nice understatement after watching a family be totally and utterly obliterated.”

2:03:51 Remark that during the end credits, letters are passed down from one name to the name below it… like hereditary.

Tally Ho’

• WTF!?’s: 2 inherent ones
• When to Follow: When you’re willing to sit down and give this beautiful film the attention it deserves.
• Where’s This Found: Hereditary is not simply one of the best horror films of the year, it is one of the best films this year and one of the best horror films ever. It’s not simply scary, it’s scary intelligent. Out of a possible 10, I have 8 F’s to give

• What To Feedback: I need your help identifying the mystery object at 34:20 (see screenshots at 34:20). Also, if any one reading this has a digital copy of the script, please leave a comment… I have so many questions! Also, what’s your favourite A24 film?

All GIFs used in this review were created with the Imgflip online meme generator

[N.B. I used the very informative
Variety
Reddit: Ari Aster AMA
Reddit: Official Discussion
Pop Buzz
Digital Spy
NME
Newsweek
Vulture
as research tools for this review]

Left Over WTF (Way Too Funny) Photos

Prints suitable for reposting!

What to Follow Up

WTF Review

My reviews of other A24 films:
Under the Skin
Enemy
Life After Beth
Green Room
Ex Machina
Swiss Army Man
The Killing of a Sacred Deer

Bar None Review

366 Weird Movies

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Spoiler Alert:

I shall be looking at Searching, looking through its evidence and looking over its characters to find if we should look down on it or look up to it. So read on only if you’ve already seen Searching, or don’t plan to.

Watch SEARCHING here

[Note: you can click on any picture to enlarge it.]

0:01:06 We see a computer booting up Windows XP in 2001 (the noise you hear is an old, dial-up modem that used the phone line to connect to the internet) when Margot’s parents create a user account for their baby. Margot is a newbie-born.

[N.B. This intro is to let us know the entire movie will be shown to us only via a computer screen, in found footage style. I’m excited, as everyone knows I’m the original found footage slut.  Easter egg: Note that the screen resolution for this film is 1600 x 900 to match the aspect ration of a standard computer screen.]

0:02:46

[Easter egg: Pokémon is a frequent theme in Searching. At the beginning, Margot doesn’t know what is when her father buys her a Pokémon shirt, then, in the very next scene, Pikachu is her wallpaper.]

0:02:51 We watch Margot get older (first piano lesson, first day of kindergarten, first day of school, first Mac, getting spammed when logging onto browser games…think Club Penguin). In fact, we watch her digital age.

[Easter Egg: The teacher’s name on the board, Mrs Uraneck, is a reference to Carol Uraneck, the film’s art director.]

0:3:21 We learn through email headers that Margot’s mum, Pam (Sara Sohn), has cancer. I wonder if her doctor breaks up with people by text, as well.

[N.B. Ingeniously, we are able to track time through the media and software used. For example, the versions of Internet Explorer or Windows Media Player, or the introduction of YouTube, Ebay, Yahoo Messenger, Google, Facebook…all give us an indication of the year.]

0:03:53

[ Easter egg: There are many subplots running through Searching, and I shall do my utmost to detail all of them. The first is the relationship between Margot and a classmate called Abigail. In this Yahoo Messenger Chat, we are introduced to the young ingenue.]

0:04:13

[Easter egg: Writer / Director Aneesh Chaganty stated in an interview with The Nerds of Color that the emails in Korean from David’s mum are another story line, detailing her emigration from Korea to the US. More importantly, note that Margot’s childhood friend, Robbie, likes her piano video. We’ll be hearing a lot more from him, and not just in the comments section.]

0:04:21

[Exclusive Easter egg: Note the video recommendation in the side bar for English-American philosopher Alan Watts. The video foreshadows the death of Pam.]

0:05:18

[Multiple Exclusive Easter eggs! In the above screenshot note that in the upper, right-hand corner, there are references to #Deflategate, an American football scandal that happened on January 18, 2015. Also, to the mysterious #Dress viral phenomenon (what colour is the dress in the picture!?) that hit Facebook in the end of February 2015. This helps us situate the time. Then we see a post by Abigail, to continue her story line, and another post by a mysterious Anoop Chaganty, who is, in fact, a musician… and the director’s brother. More interesting is the Laura Barns reference. Laura Barns was a young girl who committed suicide after being cyber-bullied…in the film Unfriended. She’s being referenced here in a nice tribute to the 2014 film, as it is also a found footage film which takes place exclusively on computer screens.]

Here’s a tweet from Anoop:

0:06:07 Cancer gets Pam in the end, and everywhere else. Margot’s father, John Cho as David Kim, designs an In Memory card himself on a computer because he loved her but loves insurance cash more.

0:06:16

[Easter egg: In the photo of Margot and her dad on her first day of high-school, the sign in the background reads, “Evercreek High School, Home of the Catfish.” Interesting that a sign is the smartest character in the film.]

0:06:52

[ Easter egg: Note that in the above recommended videos list we have Nug which is an Aneesh Chaganty short, My Big Fat Armenian Family which is a film written and directed by Searching‘s co-writer Sev Ohanian, and The Cinema Floor Tapes which is a short from the USC film school by Michael Nader. I’m assuming Nader is close to someone involved in Searching, as his name appears elsewhere throughout the film.]

0:07:37 David facetimes with his daughter to reprimand her for not being like Pam on their first date and taking out the trash. Margot says she’s at a friend’s house for a study session. “You haven’t met her yet,” which is kid speak for, “It’s a boy I’m sleeping with / does a lot of drugs.”

0:08:52

[ Exclusive Easter egg: There are 2 videos on the suggested play list that are related to the plot. One is The Adventure of Grief, related to the plot line of David’s grief recovery, and the 2nd is entitled How to tell if your kid is using marijuana. The second one will make more sense in a minute…well, in 59 seconds. The Merricam video is discussed at 9:51. Also note the “Seeds” video is an advert for Google glass that was filmed by Searching director Aneesh Chaganty.]

0:09:01 This article is meant to let us know how long people can survive in nature ( hint, hint). Well, people who aren’t me. After 9 minutes with internet, I go into culture shock.

[ Easter egg: There are 2 videos of interest beside the photo. The top one mentions the SVPD (Silicon Valley Police Department) which is where Detective Rosemary Vick works and doesn’t exist in real life. The one under it starts yet another subplot, which is that of an alien invasion. This news link highlights an electrical anomaly NASA warns about.]

0:09:51 David’s younger brother calls to ask about a recipe. His name is Peter but he should be called ‘Back Yard’ because he has a lot of grass.

[N.B. Remember when Margot said she was going to study all night? We will later learn the guest ringing the doorbell is, in fact, Margot herself, and she’s not there for the Kimchee Gumbo.]

[ Easter egg: Note that a suggested video on the YouTube page is a steadicam video by Will Merrick. This is a real video by one of the co-editors / Directors of Virtual Photography / Mastermind of Searching. This link appears constantly throughout the first act of the film (see 8:52). More on him later…]

0:10:36

[Easter egg: Here we see a chat between David and his boss. Then we have the first clues in 2 new subplots: Hannah Couch and Dr. Aparna Vadlamani. Hannah, his potential love interest on the side (of the screen), responds to an apparent first date, saying she’d love to do it again sometime, and Dr. Vadlamani, who is David’s grief counsellor following the death of his wife.]

0:13:47 In the middle of the night, Margot calls twice and facetimes once but David is asleep and doesn’t hear. Margot has a lot of hang ups.

[ Easter egg: Note the prescription drugs David uses to sleep (because of his grief over losing Pam)–which also explain why he’s unable to wake-up and answer the phone.]

0:15:38

[ Easter egg: The company David works for, AppEnsure, is a real company co-founded by director Aneesh Chaganty’s father, Sri (see inset in photo above). Also note Michael Porter is leading the meeting. His name has popped up on David’s call list and they’ve exchanged text messages where he said he met his husband on St Patrick’s Day. (See 10:36)]

[ Exclusive Easter egg: Note the ‘Frequently Contacted’ list in the sidebar includes Hannah Couch and Dr. Aparna Vadlamani (see 10:36).]

0:16:02 The following afternoon, after several failed attempts to reach her, David realises Margot left her laptop on the kitchen counter. He assumes she came home from studying the night before and forgot it that morning. Why is this computer unmotivated? It lost its drive.

0:16:14 I love how he has to put his cursor on an image to look at it. I love it because I do the exact same thing.

[Easter egg: While looking back on old emails, we see a reference to David’s first appointment with the psychologist.]

0:17:24 David phones Margot’s piano instructor and discovers his daughter hasn’t had a lesson in 6 months, and has been evidently keeping the money. $100/hour is a lot to pay for his daughter’s silence.

[Exclusive Easter egg: The piano teacher pictured is Vartohi Ohanian, who had a minor role in My Big Fat Armenian Family and whose family name is the same as co-writer Sev Ohanian. Coincidence? No, she’s Sev’s mother!  They’ve kept her first name here and substituted her surname with that of expensive speakers. She’s not listed in the credits of Searching, but she is mentioned in the Special Thanks.]

0:18:58 David learns Margot hasn’t been to school. Seems he’s not the only one that’s failing her.

0:19:46

[Easter egg: David discovers his daughter’s Twitter feed is set to private, and that the trending topics are #Catfish (see 6:16) and #IfIRanAway. Also note that her Twitter handle is mkmania01, which stands for Margot Kim Mania. Margot is imitating her mother, Pam, who went by pkmania.]

0:21:44 After digging up his dead wife’s contacts, David unearths one of Margot’s friends’ phone numbers. The friend’s mum says Margot is camping in the mountains and so has no cell reception. We know this isn’t true because no one would make a movie about that.

[Easter egg: Before David clicks on Isaac’s name, he pulls up Robbie Abolt, who is the son of the detective that will investigate the disappearance. Pam wrote that one of his parents was in the SVPD and that they are were divorced, which explains why Robbie’s name is different from Vick’s. But Robbie has another link to the disappearance, and this is referenced in the note, “had a crush on Margot”. ]

0:23:11

0:23:52 Isaac calls David to tell him that Margot didn’t join them on the camping trip. He says, “She never came.” David answered, “I didn’t ask about her sex life” — is what a lesser critic would write, but not I, for I’m far too professional.

0:24:16 David breaks down and reports Margot as a missing person, but he doesn’t say what she’s missing.

0:25:36 Detective Rosemary Vick (Debra Messing) calls. She says she’ll be there soon but she wants to talk to him on the phone because it fits the found footage format of the film. It also gives David a chance to internet stalk her. You can tell he’s a gentleman because he doesn’t finish his query with ‘nude’.

[Easter Egg: On the Google page that pops up during his search, one of the links leads to an article explaining that she’s worked on both the Old Man Marley murder case and the Harry-Marv robberies. Both of these crimes are from Home Alone.]

0:25:50

[ Exclusive Easter egg: This saying will come back to haunt Margot.]

0:25:58

[ Easter egg: Sue Anna Yeh is a movie crew member thanked in the credits and Carmen Emmi is a director / photographer who went to USC. Also, remember these faces.]

0:28:24 David logs into Margot’s Facebook by having Facebook send a verification code to her Gmail account, for which he had a verification code sent to his dead wife’s Gmail account, which he had the password for (‘Margot0401’, her birthday) and was also Margot’s backup email account. It’s interesting to see how clever he is when it comes to the internet right now, because this will change faster than these passwords.

[Exclusive Easter egg: While looking at her email, David doesn’t notice Margot’s uncle Peter and his daughter have exchanged 6 emails recently. Later on, this familiarity will breed contempt. There’s also an email from YouCast, a fictional Vine / Instagram Live platform that will become critical shortly.]

[ Easter Egg: Note that Pam uses Yahoo for her email account. While that’s less common today, it was the number 1 provider when Pam would’ve started an account, so bonus points for authenticity.]

0:28:45

[Easter egg: In the above screenshot, the Facebook Trending Subjects has a reference to the alien subplot, as well as a nod from director Aneesh Chaganty to another director with Indian roots, and a big inspiration for Chaganty. There’s also an ad for YouCast (is this how Margot found it?), and on the left is a shortcut to the “I liked Pokémon before Go” group, to continue with the Pokémon story. Note that Robert (Vick’s son from 4:13, 21:44, and 25:50) is on Margot’s Facebook wall. In fiction, this is known as “foreshadowing”. In life it’s known as “I told you so.” ]

0:31:04 While using Facebook to put together Margot’s last few days before disappearing, David learns his daughter has no friends. I don’t know why he’s surprised, he ignores her himself, so why shouldn’t everyone else?

0:32:29 David calls Abigail, who hosted the biology study group the night of Margot’s disappearance. She disinterestedly says Margot left much earlier than she told her father. Maybe Margot wanted to do some biology self study. Like most women her age.

[Exclusive Easter egg: Continuing the Abigail story, here Abby calls Margot her “favorite (aka smartest) lab partner everrrr”. This is to let us know Abby doesn’t really consider Margot as a friend, but more as a tool. I should know, people often call me a tool.]

0:33:51 With traffic cam footage, Detective Vick finds out the night she disappeared, Margot drove off on a road to nowhere. Nature, in other words.

[Easter egg: Note the reference again to William Merrick (see 9:51), as well as Qasabian, which is a reference to Natalie Qasabian, one of the film’s producers. Exclusive: According to the Urban Dictionary, ‘Scheve‘ means ‘To steal someone elses [sic] pot smoking utensils.’ This will be clarified at the end of the film (see 1:29:58).]

0:35:18 The Bank of America website says Margot saved her piano money for months, then transferred a lump sum amount of $2 500 to an anonymous person on Venmo. Note to self: Change name to ‘Anonymous’.

0:35:57

0:36:12 In Margot’s Instagram page, a user called derekellis6969 once reminded Margot to water her eggplant.

0:36:40

[ Exclusive Easter egg: Jon Cassir and Praveen Pandian are agents.]

0:37:21 David calls tough guy Derek Ellis and has to raise his voice and make threats to discover when Margot went missing, Derek was at… a Justin Bieber concert. Now Derek’s the one who wants to disappear.

0:38:14 Vick says Margot used the money to buy a fake ID. Vick also says Margot sent the $2 500 to herself in some sort of narcotics money laundering scam. I like everything dirty except my money.

0:38:54

[ Exclusive Easter egg: VyVy Tran did the makeup for Searching.]

0:39:21 Vick tells David that Margot ran away like me from a corporate event.

0:43:41 David discovers Margot has an account on a site called YouCast, which is a fictional version of live streaming on Instagram. She has one close follower called fish_n_chips, who, like the food, you probably only want when you’re drunk.

[ Note that Margot’s friend’s name is FISH _n_chips. What kind of fish is it? Catfish! See 6:16.]

[ Easter egg: The top trending caster is Aneesh Chaganty, recommended ‘Just For You’ is Anoop Chaganty and listed in hashtags is #greenlights, referring to the aliens.]

[N.B. This is the exact moment when the film slightly decreases in my esteem. Look at the avatar photo below. That’s the most generic, fake profile pic I’ve seen since teen chat rooms. That Margot doesn’t do a reverse image search I can understand, but David is presented as someone who’s computer savvy, and the fact he’s not suspicious of that photo is suspicious. I sat in the cinema, silently screaming at both of them that the profile is obviously fake–and did her folks not warn her about online predators?]

0:43:02 Staying with the Pokémon theme, Fish_n_Chips gets to know Margot through a Pokémon question. Her favourite is Uxie, who has the capacity to erase memories. His is Kecleon, who has the ability to blend in with his surroundings…kind of like Robbie is doing right now.  Or maybe it’s Margot, because he sure is playing her.

[N.B. It’s interesting to note that Margot wants a Pokémon to forget the pain of losing her mum, while David does this with pills (see 13:47) and never once thought to ask his daughter if she needed help.]

0:44:23 Margot shares a video of an isolated lake, calling it her favourite place in the world. Apparently she’s never been any place good.

0:47:10 David pops in while Margot is streaming and we see him avoid the subject of his dead wife’s birthday (to show that he can’t broach the subject with his daughter). Instead he talks about the Voice elimination round, which is sort of what happened to his wife.

0:49:41

[N.B. Detective Vick tells David about how she covered up for her son when he scammed the neighbours by collecting money for a police charity that didn’t exist. On the official Reddit discussion page, director Aneesh Chaganty explains, “She irresponsibly opens up about a real incident in her and her son’s past, but at the same time…. it totally plants for the audience that Vick is the kind of parent who would do anything for her son. Our hope was that people by the end of the film would realize they haven’t been watching the story of a parent who would do anything for their kid. They’ve been watching the story of TWO parents who would do anything for their kids.”]

0:50:01

David: You don’t know how glad I am you were assigned to this case.
Detective Vick: I just wish there wasn’t a case to be assigned to.

She literally means that, except the part about being ‘assigned’.  She was no more assigned this case than homework.

0:51:36 David researches Margot’s ‘favourite place’ and learns it’s called Barbosa Lake [N.B. it’s fictional], which is 5 minutes from where Margot was last seen. She might’ve been going there to drown more than her sorrows.

[ Easter egg: Note that the first result returned when Googling Barbosa Lake is a link to an Instagram photo posted by @ itswillmerrick, the real life handle of Will Merrick.  The post David clicks on, Barbosa Lake – South Bay’s Hidden Gem, was written by Nicholas Johnson and William Merrick, who were co-editors and co-directors of virtual photography on Searching.]

0:52:51 David hurries out to the lake in the middle of the night and calls Vick, who hurries out of the home while she facetimes with him. (Am I the only one who places normal calls anymore? Does everyone facetime now instead of phoning?)

Vick [to David]: Where are you? … Are you at the lake?

[Except in his initial call to Vick, David only says, “She was driving to the spot she’s been visiting for the past five months.” He never once mentions a lake! #SheKnew]

0:53:05 Robert wakes up to see his mum rushing out of the door to meet David.

Vick: Robert, honey, just go back to sleep. Okay? Okay. I need you to stay calm. We’re going to figure this out together.

There is no way to know if that second sentence is meant to reassure David… or Robert.

[N.B. This next bit of dialogue is expertly handled, as well. Vick hears sirens and asks, “Oh my God, did you call the cops?” and we haven’t learned yet that it’s her biggest fear. But David gives us a hint when he repeatedly insists, “You told me she ran away, Vick!” This was the lie she wanted him to believe so he’d stop investigating.]

0:53:43

[ Easter egg: This is one of the many examples of the care taken with the film. In the news ticker, mention is made of Trump firing FBI Director James Comey. This happened in May of 2017, and is accurate with the timeline of Searching. The next one mentions the likelihood of storms, which do manifest at 57:16.]

0:54:13

[ Easter egg: Note the NASA saga with aliens continues with the news that an ex-NASA Chief says there is o support for the Extraterrestrial rumours. Also, the man in the photo is Aneesh Chaganty making a cameo.]

0:54:29

[ Easter egg: The news story above about the extra-terrestrials is confirmed in the ticker.]

0:55:32 Margot’s car is pulled from the lake and while this film is PG-13 in the US (meaning it’s impossible for a minor to die), there was some blood on the dashboard. I think the car is having a rough period.

[N.B. The Amber alert mentioned is a federal program in America to send out messages to everyone’s smartphone when a child is reported abducted.]

0:56:05 Detective Vick announces to the press that two zones have already been cleared. She crosses them off, but X marks the spot.

0:56:34 An envelope with Margot’s $2 500 was found in the wet car. Maybe she was trying to launder the money.

[ Easter egg: The aliens saga continues, this time with the confirmation that a NASA informant is killed by a gunshot made to look like suicide.]

0:57:16

[Easter egg: I like to think the above shot is a reference to how Margot survives trapped at the bottom of the ravine for five days by drinking rain water. In the poster, it looks as though the water is reaching her mouth. So I asked director Aneesh Chaganty about this on Twitter…]

0:57:28

[Easter egg: Another reference to the #GreenLight.]

0:58:05 On social media, the search for Margot becomes a hot topic, where even Abby (see 32:39) weeps on YouTube and claims Margot was her best friend. #FindMargot is like an STD: Viral.

[ Easter egg: Evan Trantino is a film producer.]

0:58:53 Derek Ellis comments on YouTube video that Margot is with him and that the cash found is from hooking. The only thing worse than a YouTube commenter is two YouTube commenters.

[Easter egg: Trending on YouTube are the video with Abby sobbing and REAL FOOTAGE of the aliens.]

1:01:48 Vick tells David he’s not invited to the investigation anymore after a video of him kicking Derek’s arse in a cinema surfaces. The worst part was the amount of popcorn that was spilled. Don’t they know how much that was worth?

1:02:06

[ Easter egg: When a local funeral home sends him an email offering their services, we can see a list of other emails. One is from Hannah Crouch, expressing concern and offering assistance. Towards the bottom, there is also one in Korean, probably advancing the story of Grandma Kim’s exodus to America. The one directly beneath Hannah’s is far more telling. It’s sent by a Sev Ohanian and says “It’s obvious what happened: Your daughter was catfished by Fish_N_Chips.” How could this chap know the truth this early in the film? Because Sev Ohanian is the co-author of Searching.]

1:02:44

[ Exclusive Easter egg: Aside from the mention of Reddit, we also have an article which states that Margot’s ‘best friend’ Abigail Nielsen held an ‘arts-and-crafts filled communion and vigil’ for the lost girl.]

1:03:52 While going over pictures of her car that gossip site TMZ uploaded, David spots a Fins hockey jacket. Margot not only didn’t play hockey, she couldn’t even get the puck out of there.

[ Exclusive Easter egg: The last photo at the bottom of the TMZ sidebar is a cameo of director Aneesh Chaganty]

1:05:02 This leads David to Margot’s texts, where he sees a picture of his brother, Peter (Joseph Lee) holding up a Fins hockey shirt. David starts thinking there’s more than one way to score after he discovers she saw Peter the night she disappeared.

[N.B. Which brings me to another WTF about this film. David has loads of time and all the information at his fingertips but decides not to look through his missing daughter’s texts? Why wasn’t this the first thing he did?]

[ Exclusive Easter egg: Notice that in the chat history, there are texts from Abigail (who now sincerely likes Margot), Aneesh the director, and the last one is from a bloke whose real name is Rick Santhanam who is a film crew regular and received Special Thanks in Searching.]

[ Exclusive Easter egg: Lance Oppenheim is a young filmmaker, Raisa Bruner is a journalist at Time, and an Ellory Courvoisier is a media coordinator.]

1:05:48 In order to catch his brother’s confession, David plants small security cams all over his sibling’s apartment. Pretty normal activity.

1:09:52 Technically, Margot did score with her uncle, only it wasn’t sex, it was pot. Peter confesses that Margot wasn’t a skank but that they were smoking it.

1:11:31 We’re reminded that David never talked to Margot about her dead mum, which is why she needed to get higher than Everest with her uncle. [N.B. Remember, she was the mystery guest who rang the bell at Peter’s before she disappeared. (See 9:51)]

[N.B. During this conversation, Peter tells David, “You wanna know why she hated those piano lessons? It’s because every time she would walk in, she would see that thing and think about her mother.” This is reinforced by all the times we saw photos and videos of Margot with Pam and the piano.]

1:12:52 During this discussion, Vick has been calling David. He finally listens to her message, only to learn that they’ve arrested the man who murdered Margot. I remember watching this in the cinema and thinking, ‘If she’s not really dead, then my feelings for this film are.’

1:13:12

[ Easter egg: Note there are 2 new videos about aliens on the news channel. One of them is about space research and the second is an emergency meeting with the president.]

1:13:52

[ Exclusive Easter egg: “Hollywood producer is prime suspect in murder of feature film editor!”  Looks like an editor is Searching to make a joke, or felt some pressure, or both.

UPDATE: Searching editor / genius Will Merrick and I had the following exchange about this ticker on my Instagram post.]

1:14:33 A man named Randy Cartoff uploaded a video confession, killed himself, and Margot’s DNA was found at the scene… On the other hand, this film is American PG-13. Regarding Margot’s premature death, which evidence carries more weight? 

1:16:30

[ Exclusive Easter egg: There are emails from David’s boss and his husband, Hannah sends her condolences, David’s psychiatrist reaches out, Arabo Sarkisian was in Sev Ohanian’s My Big Fat Armenian Family, a note from his mother, two messages from people whose last name is the same as co-writer Sev Ohanian, and a note from Arine Harepeti who is mentioned in the Special Thanks. Perhaps more interesting is the side note which states that a trending story is how the new ‘Super-Earth boosts search for nearby extraterrestrial life’. What this could mean is that the aliens visited the White House (see 1:13:12), have taken control of the country and are now reaching out to other alien beings.]

1:19:04

[ Easter egg: There’s a note from Abby expressing her now genuine sadness and a message from Kevin Lee, who is a teacher at the high school and whose name has popped up here and there, from time to time.]

1:19:51 When uploading videos for Margot’s memorial, David notices the face on a splash screen is the same as fish_n_chips. (See 43:41) He now has caught the catfish.

[N.B. It upset me that this is the big reveal, when I spotted it the second I saw the first photo.]

Results from his search include references to Juan Sebastian Baron, the cinematographer for Searching, and model Erica Jenkins, who plays the face of Hannah.

1:21:14 WTF!? After he Google image searches her and sees all the trillion photos of her online on image sites, he calls the model and harasses her because he still thinks she was the one talking to Margot. He doesn’t understand how a person can upload a photo that isn’t them to a website!?!?!? Auuggghhh! His permit to exist in the 21st century needs to be revoked.

1:22:22 David learns that Vick volunteered to run his daughter’s case, when he’d been led to believe she’d been assigned. I can confirm because I, too, am suspicious of people who volunteer to work.

1:23:04 Going back to Google, he finds the photo of her building site (see 25:58) with a familiar face. Though the face is now a bit changed after he had some work done with a bullet.

1:25:51 Because David conveniently connected to the funeral service’s live feed before he left, we’re able to see him confront Vick in the church as other officers arrive to arrest her. Church is a great place to get her confession.

1:27:11 David is now watching Vick’s interrogation and confession on his Mac. This is because the majority of the film takes place on his Mac, but it’s a little ridiculous imagining the police emailing confession tapes to private citizens to watch at home. #truercrime

[Easter egg: If you click on the above image, you’ll be able to read the cops’ email detailing the NDA David signed.]

1:27:32 Now, we have a visual of the confession with phone calls, Google maps… in which Vick explains her son Robert called her and told her he accidentally pushed a girl off a cliff. She fell for him in the worst possible way.

1:28:08 Vick explains Robert had loved Margot since grade school so he catfished her on MyCast, using what info he already had about Margot to trick her into friending him. He was the catfish, but she fell for the bait.

1:28:48 WTF!? Apparently Robert also created a bank account for ‘fish_n_chips’ because Margot sent $2 500 there in order to help with the fake girl’s fake mother, who was dying of fake cancer (which is the best kind to have).

1:29:58 Robert decided Margot might act badly if he gave her the money at school, so he decided the best plan was to jump into her car unannounced in the middle of the night when she was parked on the shore of an isolated lake where nobody knew she was. That way, he figured, the only way she could act badly is in this film. But when she ran away and fought him off, the plan changed to ‘push her into a deep ravine’. Margot died as she lived, over the edge.

[ Exclusive Easter egg: During her confession, Vick says Margot was smoking marijuana when Robbie found her. As we can imagine Margot didn’t own drug paraphernalia, she must’ve taken it from her Uncle Pete. Remember the map at 33:51, where I told you that ‘Scheve‘ was slang for stealing someone’s pipe or bong?]

1:30:42 Instead of calling SAR (Search and Rescue) that night, Vick decided to abandon the girl at the bottom of the drop-off and take over the investigation to clear her son. She can play good cop / bad cop with herself.

Here are the steps she took:

1. Pushed the car in the lake
2. Made a fake driver’s license to…
3. Convince David Margot ran away
4. Kept Margot’s hard drive
5. Told law enforcement the area Margot was in had already been searched
6. Drugged up an ex-con and “fed him a script” (he did not look drugged in his confession and why would he confess to murder and attempted rape of a minor? Because she ‘fed it to him’? WTF!?)
7. Kills the ex-con

All of that to keep her son out of jail. I was lucky if my mum remembered to buy food for me when I was young.

1:32:28 LOL, looking at helicopter news footage combined with Vick’s confession we see the police SUV turn around as it’s taking Vick to prison. Because David Kim knows his daughter’s alive because it rained one day so she could still have enough water to live at the bottom of the cliff for 5 days. Margot isn’t the only thing to hit rock bottom, she took the ending with her.

1:33:28 WTF!? The ‘ravine’ that Vick said was too dangerous to scale in the dark is nothing more than a path down a small hill! If she didn’t check up on Margot, maybe it’s because she knew it was impossible to die from rolling down a gently sloping trail.

1:33:30 I also like how rescuers refuse to use walkie-talkies to let David know his daughter is OK. They kept quiet after they went down there long enough ago that they had time to wrap her up, tie her to a stretcher, harness the stretcher to a winch at the top of the hill and then pull her up. I don’t know who they’re torturing more, David or we who are meant to believe it!

1:33:44

[Easter egg: In Yahoo news, mention is made of an unusual star. If my theory about aliens taking over the government and calling to other extraterrestrials is correct (see 1:16:30) then maybe these are the beings who are responding…]

1:35:20 Margot who didn’t die and her father are chatting about how they’re fake worried about her piano application. The chances of her not being accepted are the same as her being dead at the bottom of a footpath. Or the chances I’m going to like this ending.

[ Easter egg: Note that in the message sidebar, Margot tells Isaac (camping bloke) she’ll see him this weekend (so she’s back to having friends again), the piano teacher asks if her recommendation to the conservatory was satisfactory, and she tells Derek (rude boy) that he can piss off, no doubt because he IMed something gross. We also have the end to the Abby sub plot, because she’s reaching out to Margot so hard that Margot has to tell her in no uncertain terms to piss off.]

1:35:58 Yay! He texted that Margot’s mum would be proud of her! All the problems he had communicating are completely gone forever and they can live happily ever after! Maybe this film is called ‘Searching’ because I’m searching for a better denouement.

1:36:40

[ Exclusive Easter Egg: The penultimate shot is of a Spotify playlist that very cleverly also serves as a credits card! Timur Bekmambetov, Ana Liza, Maria Zatulovskaya, and Adam Sidman are producers of Searching (Sidman also produced Hardcore Henry, another film I’ve reviewed here and loved).  Pavel Bozhkov is Mr. Bekmambetov’s assistant and both have listed Model Minority, which is a concept that a specific ethnicity is better at some things than the public at large (e.g. Asians are better at maths). Note that all of these people are listening to the same artist: Anoop Chaganty, Aneesh’s brother. In the ‘now playing’ section, we have Torin Borrowdale, who is not only Searching‘s composer but the composer for many of Chaganty’s projects, while Ramela Ohanian is an actor and surely related to co-writer Sev Ohanian (see 1:16:30). Arabo Sarkisian (see 35:57, 1:16:30), like Ramela, was also in My Big Fat Armenian Family and in the Special Thanks for Searching.]

Roll credits

ALL PHOTOS ARE THE PROPERTY OF SONY PICTURES AND ARE USED HERE SOLELY FOR THE PURPOSE OF EDUCATION AND CRITIQUE

Tally Ho’

• WTF!?’s: 11 ones found in Searching
• When to Follow: If you’re looking for a well-plotted thriller told in a unique way, this movie is for you. You don’t even have to like found footage as much as I to appreciate this one.
• Where’s This Found: I won’t lie, initially I didn’t find what I was looking for in Searching. But while putting together this synopsis, I developed a huge amount of respect for the work, the attention to detail, and the care that went into making this film. Let’s just say once I was lost but now I’m found. While the story is a little rushed at the end and the miracles that save Margot still don’t sit well me, technically this film is a masterpiece. Uncovering all of the subtle clues while writing this article gave me a deep appreciation for its flawless editing and structure. When all is said and done, I give the film a recommend, and am willing to go higher if Sev or Aneesh comment on this article.  Out of a possible 10, I have 7 F’s to give I have 8 F’s to give [because Sev Ohanian not only commented at the bottom of this post, he said it “Immediately went to the top of my list of things ever written about our film.”]

• What To Feedback: Answer the following poll!

Note: If your favourite is not on the list, please mention it in the Comments!

Also, there are two Easter eggs I was not able to uncover. If any of you have an idea concerning the identity of Max Liberman or Toby Nubzz, please let me know in the Comments!

UPDATE:

Since publishing this synopsis, I’ve received incredible feedback from Searching writer / producer Sev Ohanian that I’d like to share withe you here.

It all started with the comment you’ll see at the bottom of this post, where he states:

Wow. Immediately went to the top of my list of things ever written about our film. THANK YOU!

Almost immediately after, he tweeted:

Then he went to my reddit post and commented:

Holy crap you are amazing. You found things that no one else has ever found (like for instance that we put our agents in there.)
Your jokes and puns are insanely funny btw ahahaha.
And I never knew that “scheve” one. Gotta talk to our editors about that lol.

These gestures, combined with Will Merrick’s shout out on Instagram, made this post worth the time and effort I put into it!

If you enjoyed this post, please consider sharing it on Facebook!
It’s the easiest — and nicest! — way to say ‘Thank you’.

[N.B. I used this very informative Reddit page— especially comments by u/plw37 — and Nerds of Color interview as research tools for this review]

Left Over WTF (Way Too Funny) Photos

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WTF!? do you meme?

What to Follow Up

WTF Review

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WTF!? on Facebook

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WTF!? on Tumblr

WTF!? on Instagram

Spoiler Alert:

I shall be chronicling The Trump Prophecy, studying its genesis and examining its revelations to judge if it’s gospel or belongs in the John. So read on only if you’ve already seen The Trump Prophecy, or don’t plan to.

Watch THE TRUMP PROPHECY here

Disclaimer: Let me preface this post by stating in no uncertain terms that it is not my intention to mock anyone for their political beliefs. My job is to make fun of films and not individuals. That said, the reader should keep in mind that I’m a gay European, so you won’t be surprised if my beliefs run contrary to that of the sitting president (as of this writing), and that it may be difficult for me to expunge all criticism from my commentary. In short, if you’re a fan of Donald Trump, you might want to give this post a pass. Also, lest I be accused of sticking my English bugle where it doesn’t belong, know that, as I’m half American, I do vote in American elections, thus ‘have a dog in this fight’, as it were.

Sorry for the earlier meme! In the interest of being democratic, fair & balanced should I take it down?

Let’s make like the first republican with his mate and get this party started!

0:00:16

Based on a true story

Kind of like the Trump Presidency.

0:00:37

What the Hell? Is blazing fire really the way they want to introduce this film?

0:01:41

The spirit of God told me, “I have chosen this man, for such a time as this.” For as Benjamin Netanyahu is to Israel, so shall this man be to the United States of America.

If this is the way God works, I’m going to become Saint Pauly, literally! 

0:02:28 A woman burns down her house when she passes out while smocking crack. Too bad, she’d probably like this film!

0:02:38 A firefighter who sleeps with his Bible responds to the blaze. He sleeps with his Bible because every woman said ‘no’, I bet.

0:04:04 When he’s alone in the firehouse, the pervy fire chief walks around the men’s bedroom listening to news about hurricane Katrina. At least this film won’t be the only disaster.

[N.B. Hurricane Katrina means this action is set in 2005.]

0:08:36 After carrying out the mother on a stretcher and rescuing the older sister, our hero (Chris Nelson as Mark Taylor) rushes back into the burning building to rescue the young boy who is at the same time unresponsive but standing up. Kind of like a sitting president.

0:09:41 WTF!? The boy is unresponsive so Mark the firefighter doesn’t take him to the EMTs but instead just walks away with the body like a shoplifter stealing barbecue?

0:11:54 Mark has nightmares about the blaze and meeting the devil there. Maybe the prophecy is he’s going to meet the devil irl. 

0:14:24 Mark tells his wife (Karen Boles as Mary Jo Taylor) that he’s fed up of fires and wants to quit his job. He tells her this as she’s about to leave for work, and he doesn’t even grab her pussy. None of this is very Republican of him. 

0:15:52  Mark starts to clean his grandfather’s boat but is distracted by the photographs he stores there (WTF!?) of when he was a little girl (WTF!?).

0:17:08

You: Hey, God, thanks for telling no one but me who you voted for as president of the United States!

God:

0:18:02 He has PTSD. Fortunately, that’s covered by Obamacare.

0:18:15

Mark: I’ve got 4 months [sick leave] saved up, right?
Chief: Yep
Mark: I wanna take it all now…. And when I come back on January 1, I’ll have made my 20 years.
…
Chief: Hey, happy holidays!

WTF, if it’s 4 months away from January 1, it means it’s the 1st of August, so why is the Chief wishing Mark ‘Happy Holidays’ and not ‘Merry Christmas’?

0:20:55

0:24:50 Mark’s PTSD stems from his finding one burned boy (see 8:36). Imagine if he worked for the U.S. Border Patrol!

0:25:27

Mark: I’m not taking those pills. [For PTSD.]

In other words, he’s off his meds. He probably is just doing it so Trump will make fun of his mental disorder.

0:29:34 Mark decides to stay away from fires, like a snowflake.

0:30:16

Mark: I’m done at 20 [years experience]. I’m completely and totally burnt out.

Said the firefighter!

0:31:07 Mark tells the Fire chief (Paul Stober) he’s leaving.

Fire chief: It’s a big decision. Have you prayed on it?
Mark: To tell you the truth, Chief, it’s been a long time since I prayed. Kinda forgot how.
Fire chief: Mark, prayer is the strongest, most powerful you’ve got. All you’ve got to do is talk to him.
Mark: Yeah, I know.
Fire chief: I’ll be praying for you.

That’s sects harassment!

0:36:08

0:40:13 At his doctor’s, Mark learns his health problems are physical, not simply psychosomatic. He has mental bone spurs, if you will.

Mark: So, what do I do?
Doctor Vander (Michael Everett Johnson): Well, that’s where God’s grace comes in.

WTF!? Turns out Marx was right, religion is literally the opium of the people.

0:45:08

0:46:46 Mark wakes up in the middle of a bad dream while Trump is speaking on the telly and jots down in his notebook,

God said, “You’re hearing the voice of a president.”

What God really said was, “You’re hearing the voice of the one-percent.” #DontBlameGod

0:49:14 Looks like Mark is in The Room.

[Note all the product placement for the doctor’s snake oil remedies!]

0:54:18 It’s 3 years later and Trump has officially announced his candidacy. Mark tells his new doctor (Dr. Don Colbert, fundamentalist evangelical) that he dreamt this years ago. Don asks if he can show the journal to his wife, who hopefully is a licensed psychiatrist.

[N.B. It’s interesting how the film portrays Dr. Colbert as the voice of medical science confirming Mark’s PTSD hallucinations. It’s important to note that Colbert is a fundamentalist conservative who received his medical degree from Trump University Oral Roberts University, an evangelical Christian uni. Thus, Colbert is as unbiased as this review. ]

0:55:30

I’m with her!

0:56:18 My bad, Mary loves Mark’s journal and wants to publish it. So, it’s also Mary’s bad. Lock her up!

0:56:52 Suddenly, in the middle of the meeting…

Mary: Hey, how ‘bout we pray?

1:00:08 Mary calls her son D. J. Daly (no, not the cool kind of DJ) and asks him for advice on how to make Trump win. He tells her to look up this verse in the Bible and start a prayer circle.

If my people, who are called by my name, will humble themselves and pray and seek my face and turn from their wicked ways, then I will hear from heaven, and I will forgive their sin and will heal their land.

2 Chronicles 7:14

Am I the only one who read the part about turning from their wicked ways?

1:01:22

D.J.: Mom? Mom?
Mary: What is it, son?
D.J.: Just so we’re clear, I’ve never really been Trump fan.
Mary: Neither have I! [Laughs]

WTF!? Blasphemy!

1:06:07 WTF!? Mary and Don get on an air plane, drop their luggage on people’s heads, ignore the flight attendant’s instructions, and pray so loudly over the phone in the toilets that the other passengers complain. This was today’s lesson in acting entitled, brought to you by Caucasians in first class. They may be in first, but they haven’t got any class.

1:09:00 Fictional newspapers with fictional headlines and fictional journalists declare Trump is a loser. How do I know they’re fictional? One byline reads Dwight Halpert which is a combination of Dwight Schrute and Jim Halpert from The Office, another is Jimothy Henson, a play on Jim Henson, the creator of the Muppets, and the final is Bartholomew Sampson, a take off on Bart Simpson, from The Simpsons.

1:13:36 To secure the Jewish audience and add more filler to the movie, Mary has a rabbi explain why she wants her prayer circle to blow a ram’s horn shofar (spoiler alert, it’s a Jewish battle tradition to ask for God’s help and then to celebrate victory). To me, it just looks like Trump supporters blowing their own horn.

If you look closely at this screenshot (click on it to enlarge it), you’ll notice many of the photos have been repeated to make the group look fuller. Ah, reminds me of an inauguration…

1:16:01

1:18:02 Donald Trump wins the election. Wait, if God helped Trump win the election, does that mean Putin’s God!?

Trump’s Speech: Now it’s time for America to bind the wounds of division.

You pronounced ‘widen’ wrong, bruh.

1:19:56 Once again Mark brings up Israel, saying the US and Israel will be united as one. WTF!? After mentioning Netanyahu in the intro and several other times throughout the film (remember the horn?), someone needs to remind Mark that Trump’s official stance is that there are ‘very fine people’ who want to eradicate Jews from the planet forever.

1:20:01 Because 1 hour and 20 minutes (with two video montages included!) isn’t long enough for a feature, they have to find another song…

1:20:51 WTF!? Now there’s yet another song, and this one’s so cheesy even Wisconsin won’t listen to it! The lyrics affirm,

The world came together for the cause of good
The truth rang out in every neighbourhood
I’m talking every race and nationality
With God as our guide
Hands raised on our knees

First off, this video will certainly come in handy for the president if he ever needs to know what a soldier looks like. Secondly, it’s ironic but this song is about defeating Nazis in World War II, while the Trump organisation is trying to bring them back!

You like montages? Here’s a montage of that…

Wait, aren’t they just making the ‘okay’ symbol? Yes, sure, if you mean they’re saying, “OK, I’m a racist.”

1:24:42 To fill out the rest of the film, we’re forced to watch a series of mostly white men preach to us about how Donald Trump and Make America Great Again are about making the government more submissive to religion.

1:39:26 WTF!? It’s still going on!? Everyone’s babbling on about a variety of topics from socialism in Europe, to Americans paying to make the US the world police, to the importance of Jerusalem, to Americans giving money to poor countries…

Janet Porter (Right to Life Activist): If you wanna be on the right side of history, you wanna be on God’s side. And if God is for Israel, and he is, then I wanna be for Israel.

Lol, sounds like someone grabbed her pussy a little too hard.

1:45:58 OMG, the last 20 minutes of this film is literally talking heads spouting political propaganda, fake news and gas lighting. It must be a tribute to the current Presidency…

Roll credits

Tally Ho’

• WTF!?’s: 31 damning ones — a new world record!!!
• When to Follow: If you really really love Trump or really really hate him, this film is for you.
• Where’s This Found: This is honestly The. Worst. Film. Ever. Made. When people ask, “How bad can it be?”, this is the answer. It is a disaster on every level: the acting, the script, the editing, the cinematography, the story, the directing, the message… There is not one redeemable thing about The Trump Prophecy. From now on, this is the official ‘zero’, as in “On a scale of zero to ten, with 10 being The Blues Brothers and 0 being The Trump Prophecy…”. Thus, I have no choice but to break new ground and say that, out of a possible 10, I have 0 F’s to give.

• What To Feedback: In the comments section, please find one good thing, anything, anything at all, that there is to say about this film.

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Spoiler Alert:

I shall be opening up The Nutcracker and the Four Realms, analysing its Christmas presence and unwrapping its layers to determine if it’s a gift from god or a clear and present danger. So read on only if you’ve already seen The Nutcracker and the Four Realms, or don’t plan to.

Watch THE NUTCRACKER AND THE FOUR REALMS here

Fair warning: I loved this film (unlike you), and I’m here to show you why. While the story takes a traditional path that didn’t bother me, the visuals were so gorgeous (thanks to stellar cinematographer Linus Sandgren — American Hustle, La La Land) that I left the cinema happy to have seen it on the big screen. This post won’t be able to replicate that, but at least it’ll give you an idea of what you missed.

0:02:42 We’re introduced to Clara (the charming Mackenzie Foy) and her little brother (Tom Sweet as Fritz) who are catching a mouse in the attic. The Rube Goldberg machine is either meant to show us how intelligent Clara is or how she invented the game Mousetrap.

[ Easter Egg: This film is ‘suggested’ by the story, “The Nutcracker and the Mouse King“, by E.T.A. Hoffman. Tchaikovsky’s ballet “The Nutcracker”, however, is based on Alexandre Dumas’ version of Hoffman’s tale, “La Casse-Noisette” (French for ‘nutcracker’). Both written versions use the surname Stahlbaum, the name used in this film. Clara is named after the heroine in Dumas’ story, while ‘Marie’ (her mother’s name in the film) is the heroine in the original Hoffman story.]

0:03:15 This figurine will become a living doll at 36:47.

0:03:23  The siblings join their elder sister, Louise (Ellie Bamber), and father (Matthew Macfadyen as Mr. Stahlbaum) in the drawing room, where father has decorated the Christmas tree.

Mr. Stahlbaum: What do we think?
Louise: It’s wonderful father.
Mr. Stahlbaum: With a few adjustments, perhaps…
Fritz: It’s not how mother did it.

This dialogue is meant to either inform us that Mrs. Stahlbaum has passed, or that Fritz is a little arsehole.

0:04:26 Mrs. Stahlbaum was so organised she selected Christmas presents before she died, while I can’t even do this on time and I’m alive. Fritz got toy soldiers, Louise a fancy dress that belonged to her mum, and Clara received a locked, pin tumbler decorative egg with a note instead of a key.

To my beautiful Clara, Everything you need is inside. Love, Mother

The yolk’s on her!

0:06:24 Louise dons her mother’s dress and her father is stupefied. Maybe he’s seeing her in a new light, and it’s not the candles.

0:08:42 In a subtle scene, we’re given insight into Professor Drosselmeyer’s character. The family is on their way to a giant gala at his mansion, when their carriage passes over a wooden plank connected to elaborate gears that open the front gate as the carriage passes. Thus, Drosselmeyer (Morgan Freeman) is an inventor, like Mrs. Stahlbaum and her daughter Clara. He’s her godfather, but if you take ‘god’ out of the equation, does that make him her father?

0:09:24

0:10:04

0:10:21 The owl which swooped through the opening of the film now alights in the basement of the mansion where Clara is seeking out her godfather. Apparently he works in the underground.

0:12:48 Drosselmeyer explains to Clara that he made the egg for her mother, that she might come to trust herself after recently becoming orphaned. We now see why Clara’s mum in turn bequeathed it to her.

0:13:42

Drosselmeyer: It’s Christmas eve! It’s going to be a magical night. [Clara leaves]
Drosselmeyer [to the owl]: Yes, I know, my friend. It won’t be easy, but it was her mother’s dying wish so go keep an eye on her.

To ensure she doesn’t become a Disney starlette.

0:14:08 The ballet being performed before the guests is, of course, The Nutcracker.

0:14:37 & 39 To give the children their gifts, Drosselmeyer ties a coloured cord from the gazebo to the gift, with each child’s name written on a piece of paper attached to the ribbon. Looks like these gifts have strings attached.

0:15:22 Benjamin Stahlbaum criticises Clara for being selfish, and she mentions the same is true of him. This is the third reference to his grief, or lack thereof (in addition to this affront and Fritz’s at 3:23, Drosselmeyer mentions in his conversation with Clara (13:42) that Mr. Stahlbaum must be grieving, as well). Thus, we officially have ourselves a subplot.

0:15:56 Allow me to point out that the music we’re hearing as Clara follows the string to her present is Tchaikovsky’s The Nutcracker (and is available on the playlist that follows this article).

0:16:12 Fritz receives the gift of a Nutcracker Soldier and is far more excited than I would be, were I to receive the same. At 10, he’s certainly more mature.

0:16:41 It’s quite ingenious, actually, but as Clara takes the dark passage from the real world into the Nutcracker World, the wallpaper changes from an owl motif (hunter) to a rat motif (hunted).

0:17:21 As instructed by Drosselmeyer (13:42), the owl flies through the tree trunk egress to watch over Clara.

0:17:30

0:18:37 Before Clara can take the key in the tree the ribbon has led her to, a mouse snatches it and runs away faster than a teenage father.

0:20:10 Clara happens upon a Nutcracker soldier (Jayden Fowora-Knight as Captain Phillip Hoffman) who prevents her from crossing a bridge into the 4th Realm. He’s a gorgeous young man but his acting is a tad wooden — then again, so is the Nutcracker.

[N.B. The Nutcracker and the Four Realms is very similar on many levels to the classic The Wizard of Oz, in which a young girl is whisked away by a tornado into a strange land where she meets unusual characters and must defeat an evil witch. Plot lines aside, another element The Nutcracker has borrowed from Oz is the idea that elements the girl has in the real world show up in the fantasy world, as well. Here, for example, Fritz received a Nutcracker for Christmas (See 16:12), and Clara now meets one in this universe. There’s also the ballerina figurine at 3:15 who appears at 36:47.]

[Note: The Nutcracker’s name is a tribute to the writer of the tale this film is loosely based on: “The Nutcracker and the Mouse King”, by E.T.A. Hoffman. Possible Is it just me, or does the name ‘Phillip Hoffman’ bear striking resemblance to ‘Philip Seymour Hoffman’, deceased genius actor? Perhaps it’s in tribute?]

0:21:18 The Captain informs Clara that she’s a princess in the land, as she’s a descendant of Queen Marie Stahlbaum. Still a better Queen than Bohrap.

0:22:15

0:24:20 Clara chases Mouserinks (the little rodent who stole the key) through the forest of the Fourth Realm, but then it’s attacked by a giant mouse (the Mouse King) made up of thousands of little mice. The CGI is as well done as a Texas steak.

0:25:31 Having eluded the Mouse King, Clara is eager to continue her search for the key when a voice booms out from a gigantic, rusted metallic doll in the shape of a circus tent. The entity refers to Clara by name and tells her to come and get her key, though Captain Phillip warns her to stay away from Mother Ginger. As the giant robot doll is operated by Mother Ginger, I think it’s safe to call it her lady parts.

0:25:44

[N.B. The two comical guards manning the entrance to the castle (Omid Djalili and Jack Whitehall as Cavalier and Harlequin) are based on the two squires introducing the guests at Drosselmeyer’s gala (9:24). Referring to my note at 20:10, just as the mouse from the intro scene shows up in the Fourth Realm, so to do these two men find their way from the real world to this one.]

0:28:01  Inside the castle walls, Clara must inform the regents of the three realms (Hawthorne (Eugenio Derbez), Regent of the Land of Flowers, Shiver (Richard E. Grant), Regent of the Land of Snowflakes, Sugar Plum (Keira Knightley), Regent of the Land of Sweets. Not pictured Mother Ginger (Helen Mirren), Regent of the Land of Amusements, aka, the Fourth Realm) of her mother, their queen’s, passing. The regents seem very sad until they propose a party. Too soon?

0:29:10 Wonderful cinematography with the wings of the throne in the background. Once again, Linus Sandgren (American Hustle, Joy and La La Land) is the talented director of photography.

0:30:58 Clara commands that Captain Phillip stay with her. Sounds like she’s the Captain now.

0:31:07 Sugar Plum explains that Mother Ginger was a regent who tried to take control of the other realms and even her own people wanted her banished. Those Gingers can be real Mothers.

0:32:44 Sugar Plum shows Clara that time moves more slowly in the real world than in the Four Realms, so she doesn’t have to worry about staying away too long. I wish clubs had something like this!

0:36:47 At the pageant (see 28:01), Clara is forced to sit through a ballet which details the creation of the Four Realms and the arrival of her mum therein. The best thing about this ballet is its length (under 5 minutes, though if you like ballets, you’ll no doubt find this one very ballet-y).

[ Easter Egg: Note the orchestra conductor is back-lit. This is a nod to the Disney animated film Fantasia in which the conductor is also presented in silhouette, and which includes a performance of the “Nutcracker”. In the following collage, the Fantasia scene is on top and the lower photo is from The Nutcracker and the Four Realms.]

0:38:19

0:39:18 As Sugar Plum is the Regent of the Land of Sweets, even her coiffure is confectionery.

0:40:04 I know I joked about the ballet earlier, but as an ignoramus to the art (the only thing I know about ballet is the spelling), this looks extremely well choreographed and danced. Are there any experts out there who can confirm or repudiate this?

0:41:01

0:41:36 Sugar Plum explains to Clara that everyone in this world was an inanimate object that Marie brought to life with The Engine.

0:42:04 In order to wage a war against Mother Ginger and her mice, Clara must find a key to the Engine so that they might make toy soldiers real, for they are made of mettle.

0:45:52 The night before she’s to return to the Fourth Realm and search for the key, Clara remembers her mum telling her about the secret world she created, and how her mum looked as though she were already dead. Then the owl pops his head in the window so that we don’t forget he exists.

0:46:14

0:49:48 I can’t help but wonder if cinematographer Linus Sandgren based this decor on these abandoned theme parks.

0:51:44 Clara and her troops are attacked by a wave of mice who take them more underground than watching Eraserhead in a cellar.

0:52:22 Clara is taken to a meeting with the giant metal lady whose skirts are glowing like hot pants.

0:53:10 These polichinelles are things clowns are scared of.

0:54:02 Mother Ginger (Helen Mirren) appears and seems broken up about something.

0:54:49

0:57:21 After stealing the key from Mother Ginger, Clara opens her mother’s gift only to find it’s a simple music box and not the “Everything you need” she’d she’d been promised.

0:59:10 Despite this setback, she sees the owl and decides to wage the war, which seems to be about how politicians decide as well.

1:02:42 Clara gives the key to Sugar Plum, who switches on the machine that makes the tin soldiers (see 4:26 for the origin story) grow larger than life. She then imprisons Clara and the Captain, as well as shrinking those soldiers loyal to them. We learn that it’s she, Sugar Plum, and not Mother Ginger, who is the real traitor. One shouldn’t judge books by their cover stories.

1:03:20

1:05:37 In prison, Clara discovers there is a mirror in her mum’s egg and suddenly, the message becomes clear to her. “Everything she needs” is a mirror because looking good is very important.

1:07:18 WTF!? To escape, Clara uses the laws of physics (remember she’s a brain) where she jumps off a narrow ledge holding an end of a rope while the Captain simultaneously throws the weighted opposite end of the same rope around the ledge so that it wraps around while she drops, slowing her fall and stopping inches from the lower ledge. Why don’t they just tie the rope to the ledge?

1:09:41

1:14:03

1:15:32 While the Captain and Mother Ginger’s automaton lady parts fight off the tin soldier invasion, Clara fights in the engine room, where the soldiers were made. There’s more metal here than my Spotify playlists. Almost.

1:17:13

1:21:08 While Mother Ginger distracts the soldiers and Sugar Plum, Clara is busy fiddling about with the shrinking machine with her inventor skills so that, after Sugar Plum presses the button to shrink Mother Ginger, the ray turns back on Sugar Plum and transforms her into a wee porcelain doll. Talk about a hot piece of glass.

1:21:20 At that precise moment, all the tin soldiers collapse and, as they were under Sugar Plum’s control (and she no longer exists), they revert back to their inanimate state.

1:22:15

1:23:20

1:24:36 Now that Clara has saved the day — and the realms — she’s to return to reality. Her goodbyes to the Captain make us think she’ll be back to crack some nuts.

1:26:38 Drosselmeyer greets her upon her return to remind us he has no real role in this film.

1:27:42 Clara and her father make up after a fight we don’t remember them having.

1:28:24 As father and daughter dance to the music box in the gazebo, he remarks that the song that’s playing is the first one he and his wife danced to. There’s certainly a point to this, though I’ve no idea what that might be.

1:29:19 And suddenly the party is no longer over and everyone is back in the ballroom for one final WTF!?

1:29:55

1:30:26 Roll credits to the Nutcracker ballet being performed

1:33:28 The song being performed afterwards is ‘Fall On Me’ as performed by Andrea and Matteo Bocelli, and can be found on the playlist below.

Roll credits

Tally Ho’

• WTF!?’s: 5 that cracked my nuts
• When to Follow: Christmas eve with the family on the biggest and best projector you’ve got
• Where’s This Found: I was aware of the negative reviews when I saw this in the cinema, so I kept waiting for the part where the film became detestable but that part never came. The Nutcracker and the Four Realms is like a tasty Christmas cookie: it has all the right ingredients, is a little too saccharine and looks incredible. While the visuals are extremely Baroque in nature, the story, like the original Tchaikovsky ballet, has clear Romantic influences which mean the plot and the music go together like feet and pointe shoes. My take is, The Nutcracker and the Four Realms is meant for adults who remember what it means to be a child, and for children who want to know how it feels to be an adult. Out of a possible 10, I have 7 F’s to give

• What To Feedback: Have you seen The Nutcracker…?

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Left Over WTF (Way Too Funny) Photos

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366 Weird Movies

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Spoiler Alert:

I shall be celebrating Halloween (2018), checking out its costumes and testing its taste to determine if it’s a trick or a treat. So read on only if you’ve already seen Halloween, or don’t plan to.

Watch HALLOWEEN 2018 here

Fair warning, though I’m doing an in-depth synopsis of the film, I must admit I found this film more of a trick than a treat. So, if you’re here to read a rave review…you may want to read my thoughts on Hereditary.

0:02:24 Two English ‘journalists’ / podcasters (Rhian Rees as Dana Haines and Jefferson Hall as Aaron Korey) are in Smith’s Grove Sanitarium to interview Michael Myers before he’s transferred to another asylum. They mention he hasn’t spoken a word in 40 years, so they came a long way for what will obviously be the shortest interview in history.

[Easter egg: There is no town of Smith’s Grove in Illinois, the name was taken from a town near Bowling Green University, Kentucky, where director John Carpenter went to school. Ironically, in Halloween 1978, Michael Myers is interred in the asylum in Smith’s Grove and escapes to make his way back to Haddonfield. In the 2018 version, he’s in Haddonfield and meant to be going to the asylum in Smith’s Grove. This switch of locations is the first of what I call ‘mirror effects’ in Halloween 2018. Just as images are the same, though reversed, when we look at them in a mirror, so too is Halloween (2018) a reverse reflection of Halloween (1978). That flip is obvious here, because in the original Michael escaped Smith’s Grove to go to Haddonfield, and here he’s in Haddonfield and being transferred to Smith’s Grove.]

0:02:34 The duo meet Dr. Ranbir Sartain (Haluk Bilginer), the psychiatrist responsible for Michael Myers. I could never work in a mental hospital because I’m allergic to nuts.

0:03:26 We learn Dr. Sartain was a student of Dr. Loomis‘s before the latter passed and Sartain was made Michael’s main physician. I hope Sartain has a lot of patients!

Dr. Sartain: Doctor Loomis was the only one to see him in the wild.

There’s a safari I could get on board with.

0:03:54 Seriously, if the patients weren’t mad when they arrived, this courtyard would drive them all the way past crazy.

0:05:42 The podcasters make a transatlantic flight to have a 1-minute interview with a mute. I’m as speechless as Michael.

0:07:41 The opening credits roll to the iconic Halloween theme and, to illustrate Michael’s comeback, a time lapse film of a pumpkin decaying in reverse (which looks like a flaccid jack-o-lantern getting firm after looking at some hot pumpkin pie).

[Easter egg: The opening credits are a tribute to the original Halloween, though in the original, the jack-o-lantern didn’t resurrect. It’s also a nod to Halloween II, in which the jack-o-lantern split in two pieces during the intro, and Halloween III: Season of the Witch, which had a 2D digital jack-o-lantern.]

[Note: The music is based on that of the original Halloween, and is performed by John Carpenter, who wrote and performed the score to the first (in addition to writing and directing it!). Here, he is joined by his son (with ex-wife / actress Adrienne Barbeau) Cody Carpenter and some bloke called Daniel Davies. The soundtrack is found at the end of this post.]

0:08:28

[Easter egg: A card tells us the action is set in Haddonfield, Illinois, which is the same fictional town used in the first Halloween. The name originates with Debra Hill (co-writer of the original), who hails from Haddonfield, New Jersey. Halloween 2018 was actually filmed Charleston, South Carolina.]

0:10:11 The podcasters go to interview Laurie Strode (survivor of the original film [and one of the original final girls], played here and there by Jamie Lee Curtis), who only opens up her rural fortress when they offer to pay her. Evidently she specialises in lip service.

0:13:04 Now we learn the real reason for the existence of the podcasters: information dump. In their ‘interview’ they simply tell Laurie things about herself she hopefully already knows (she survived Michael Myers, she’s divorced, her daughter was taken from her by child protective services…) Let’s hope the victims are executed more efficiently than the exposition.

0:15:08 We’re introduced to Laurie’s now adult daughter Karen (Judy Greer), Karen’s husband Ray (Toby Russ) and Karen’s high school daughter (Laurie’s granddaughter) Allyson (Andi Matichak). Allyson will be the final girl of this film, because apparently that runs in the family. Hopefully, it runs fast enough.

[Easter egg: While discussing Cameron’s family, Ray says, “That whole family, though, they had a reputation. … Do you remember that one time Lonnie punched that cop in the face?”  Lonnie appears in the first Halloween film as the character who bullies Tommy Doyle (16:58), the little boy Laurie babysits. He’s also the lad Dr. Loomis scares outside of the old Myers house (56:42).]

0:16:30

The modern trio is Allyson, her best friend Vicky (Virginia Gardner) and Vicky’s boyfriend Dave (Miles Robbins).

0:16:58

Dave: Wasn’t it her brother who, like, cold-blooded murdilated all those teenagers?
Allyson: No, that’s just a bit some people made up to make them feel better.

This is a reference to Halloween II, which, apparently Carpenter wrote on the fly for the money and floated the idea that Michael and Laurie were brother and sister as a plot device. Here, Halloween 2018 is setting the record straight.

0:18:21 At the high-school, Allyson talks to her boyfriend Cameron (Dylan Arnold) about the evening’s dinner with her family, and they’re interrupted by comic relief in the form of Dylan’s mate Oscar (a surprisingly efficient and refreshing Drew Scheid).

0:18:56 In class, the teacher discusses Viktor Frankl, Austrian neurologist and holocaust survivor who posited people can find meaning to existence in even the most harrowing of life’s experiences (e.g. being a prisoner in a concentration camp) and thus, a reason to continue living. It’s almost as if this is a class for Final Girls.

[Easter egg: We also saw this trick of using a class as an Easter egg used in Hereditary. But more importantly, it was also used in Halloween 1978. Both Laurie and Allyson are sitting in the same seats in the same classroom and are both studying literature. In keeping with the theme of the mirror effect, Laurie’s lesson was about being a victim to fate, whereas Allyson’s lesson is on how to survive it. Speaking of the mirror effect, can you spot the similarities–and, more importantly the differences–betwixt the two photos?]

0:19:26 Laurie gives her interview payment to Allyson, who refuses it by saying, “I’m not your whore, Grandma!” (Jk, she says” I can’t accept this,” but then does anyway, the whore.)

0:20:44

0:22:16 Michael Myers’ institutional transfer takes place in the middle night, because the authorities like nothing better than transferring prisoners and patients when it’s absolute darkest and most dangerous.

Dr. Sartain: Don’t worry, Michael, I’ll be right outside [the cage in the bus].

In case you were wondering when (and not ‘if’) the doctor would reveal himself to be the bad guy.

0:22:20 Laurie is waiting beside the road with a gun and drinking booze. Between her and the crooked doctor, it’s amazing Myers stayed in prison for as long as he did.

0:22:32

Dr. Sartain [to a police guard as he mounts the bus]: Michael Myers is still my patient until he’s in somebody else’s care. I’m seeing my duty through to the end.

You’d have to be crazy to believe that, so at least the officer is on the right bus.

0:23:02 The director decides to show us a shot of Laurie screaming while Michael approaches her, even though he hasn’t yet escaped. In cinematographic terms this is known as ‘poor editing’. In lay terms, we call it ‘WTF’.

0:24:54 Laurie the agoraphobic crashes the celebratory dinner with Allyson, Karen, Ray and Cameron at the restaurant to get hysterical and drunker. Maybe she should be a little more agoraphobic.

0:28:16 While taking his son on a midnight hunting trip (WTF!?), a father (Brien Gregorie) comes across the wreckage of the asylum bus and decides not to call 911 but to investigate himself. The only thing that could explain this is that he’s suicidal because his son (Vince Mattis as Lumpy) is into dance.

[N.B. Seriously, though, hats off to the film for including a young man who avers that dance is his thing, though they should’ve called the lad Billy rather than Lumpy. Here’s a collage of the 1978 escape and the 2018 escape. But first…]

[Easter Egg: The song the father and son are listening to in the truck sounds like a country version of “Close to Me”, the song Laurie sings as she walks away from Michael Myers in the original Halloween, and which plays during the closing credits to this film (see 1:41:12).]

0:28:58 WTF!? The lad, being the only intelligent one in this entire film, does call 911, but the operator tells him to go out and investigate the scene himself!

0:30:32 Lol, the kid goes to investigate the bus with his gun (because he’s the only one in the film who’s not stupid, remember?) and accidentally shoots Dr. Sartain in the arm. Now the doctor has to get more than a prescription filled.

0:31:01 The boy runs back to the pick-up truck where a madman hiding in the rear streets strangles him with a noise that sounds like stepping on a roast chicken carcass.

0:33:51 Mike walks across the city in his crazy uniform and no one bats an eye, and then decides to visit his sister’s grave and watch the English podcasters continue their constant battle to prove they are not just here for the body count.

[Easter Egg: In keeping with the reflected scenes between this Halloween and the original, Dr. Loomis also visited Judith Myers’ grave in 1978. The difference is that in the original the tombstone was missing (Michael stole it and brought it with him to Haddonfield where he placed it on the bed over Annie’s body). In this film, the headstone is there and intact.]

0:34:14

Sheriff Barker [to Officer Hawkins]: Still no idea of what really went down.

The sheriff (Omar J. Dorsey) explains that the cause of the accident is as yet unknown. As Dr. Sartain was the only civilian on the bus, the suspect pool would seem to be limited.

[Exclusive Easter Egg: The African-American sheriff in a cowboy-hat is certainly inspired by Sheriff ‘Lone Wolf’ Morales in the 2014 version of The Town that Dreaded Sundown.]

0:34:58

Sheriff Barker: Michael Myers loose with a bunch of nut bags in Haddonfield on Halloween night? We’re gonna have a fucking circus on our hands. But hey, what are we gonna do, cancel Halloween? [Laughs idiotically]

Officer Hawkins (Will Patton) is waiting at Dr. Sartain’s hospital bedside when Sheriff Barker arrives. The lawmen realise all of the crazies have been rounded up, save one: The babysitter killer, Michael Myers. He who laughs last, wasn’t killed by a serial killer.

0:35:26 The international podcasters stop at a petrol station with Michael Myers’ mask in their boot, along with a strategically placed article whose headline reminds us of the original Halloween murder because the director thinks we’re more stupid than the script.

[N.B. The real reason behind this shot is to explain that Michael followed Fish & Chips to kill them and get his mask back.]

0:35:34

[ Easter egg: This petrol station is a flashback to Halloween 4: The Return of Michael Myers, where Dr. Loomis (Donald Pleasence) pulls into a gas station and, while looking for assistance, realises he’s wading through a crime scene. Not only will English journalist Aaron re-create this scene in a matter of minutes, the design of the sets are similar in homage. Note the ice machine, the barrels, and the tyres stacked both locations.]

[ Exclusive Easter egg: Enough care went into the filmmaking to explain how Michael caught up with podcasters Bed & Break Fast. At the petrol station, we see a jeep pull into the car par. In the first shot, director David Gordon Green literally has a mechanic hold up an air filter so that Michael Myers is shown in the centre of it! Next, we see him crossing the car park and into the garage (see screenshot). What they don’t say is how he was able to follow the duo and still arrive so late after them.]

0:35:41 Exclusive Easter egg: Note the name of the church on the van beside the Brits is a reference to Halloween: Resurrection.

0:35:51 The passenger in the church van stares pointedly in the direction of Michael Myers to warn the Englishman. Sadly, he doesn’t speak body language.

[ Exclusive Easter egg: If you pay special care, you’ll be able to note Michael killing the first mechanic in the background of this scene.]

0:36:42 The English woman goes to the loo (at 35:21 the delicate English rose told her partner, “I need to go number 2 almost immediately,”) and is soon joined by Michael Myers wearing brown trousers (we see only his feet). We will later learn is because he had time to kill two men and change into one victim’s clothes with no one noticing him at the busy petrol station in the middle of the day and all in the same time it took milady to find an acceptable bog stall.

0:37:54

0:38:14 This is where Michael got his new clothes.

[Easter egg: In keeping with the mirror reflections, Michael got his post asylum coveralls from mechanics in both the 2018 version and the 1978 version (and Halloween 4, as well. The only difference was that, in the original, he murdered the mechanic outside the garage before stealing his clothes.]

0:40:00

[Easter egg: The face we catch glimpses of here (and in my collage at 5:42) belongs to Nick Castle, who played Michael Myers in the 1978 Halloween.]

0:40:01

0:40:34 Michael goes in the back of the podcasters’ car and puts on his iconic mask, because they’ve got junk in the trunk.

0:43:28 WTF!? Laurie goes to her daughter’s house and tells her the bus crashed, but neither Karen nor her husband know what this means, so Laurie leaves them without telling them Michael is on the loose. Why wouldn’t she tell them the psycho who’s been chasing her hand her family for decades is free?

0:45:04

[Easter Egg: A little boy trick-or-treating bumps into Michael Myers. Note the boy’s costume is a cowboy hat and a boom box. This is a nod to Halloween II, where a young man in a cowboy hat and carrying a real boom box bumped into Michael. Interesting side note, Dick Warlock was Michael in Halloween II, and the young man is his real-life son, Lance Warlock.]

0:45:44 Michael walks into a random house and kills a woman making a sandwich for no reason other than his theme started playing.

[Easter Egg: I’m being a little facetious here. Killing the woman making a sandwich is a tribute to Halloween II, where Michael frightens Mrs. Elrod who is making a sandwich at 8:45 when he steals her knife. Also note that he passes by a baby in a crib, which is another tribute to Halloween II, in which Michael passes by an infant in a hospital maternity ward (31:38).]

0:48:08 Michael enters a another woman’s house because she’s on the phone talking about how she’ll be careful after learning of the killings at the petrol station. On this street, the housewives really are desperate.

[Easter Egg: Yet another reference to Halloween II, in which Michael enters a young woman’s house while she’s on the phone speaking with a friend who warns her about a maniac on the loose (12:24).]

0:49:28 While Allyson and Cameron are at some fancy dress costume high-school dance, her friend Vicky has to babysit. You know what happens to babysitters in Haddonfield: they get a severance package.

0:50:38 This is how Halloween 2018 defines foreshadowing.

[Easter Egg: This is a nod to Halloween (1978) in which the baby sitters and their charges spend the entire evening watching old horror films on the telly and then getting killed.]

0:51:54 In a massive pile of ‘Who cares?’, Allyson sees her boyfriend Cameron is kissing another girl in front of everyone at the dance.

0:52:51 Why do they have to have this scene? So that Cameron can throw Allyson’s phone in the backroom punch bowl of yogurt (WTF!?) when her grandmother finally decides maybe she should get around to calling her granddaughter to warn her about the serial killer who’s after her. BTW, this is the last you’ll see of Cameron in the entire film. If you’d like to start wondering why they built him up so much at the beginning, you can stat now.

0:53:42 In continued foreshadowing, Vicky the babysitter washes the knives so that she can be killed with clean cutlery.

[Easter Egg: Speaking of knives, if you pay close attention to little Julian’s lamp, you’ll see one of the images is a clown with a knife, in reference to the original Halloween.]

0:55:38

Julian (Jibrail Nantambu) [to Vicky and Dave]: I saw him, he’s in here! The boogeyman is in this house!

Vicky’s young charge has seen Michael. What I find interesting is that pains are taken at several points in the film to explain how some things came about (35:34 and 52:51), yet no explanation exists as to how Michael can randomly wander around one of a dozen suburbs and choose the one house where his main obsession’s granddaughter’s best friend just happens to be babysitting the night after he escaped from an sanatorium. WTF!?

[N.B. Note that Julian refers to Michael as the ‘boogeyman’, which is like Myers’ super legal nickname.]

0:57:01

[Easter egg: The focus on the sheets here is a reference to the sheets in the original Halloween. Note that in the original Michael is hiding in the sheets during the daytime, while in 2018, it’s night and he’s nowhere to be seen.]

0:58:11 When Vicky goes to shut the closet door of Julian’s room, Michael Myers steps out and kills her. So when she told Julian she’d checked the room, she forgot one place.

1:00:57

[Easter egg: Laurie tells trick -or-treating children to “Get out of here! Now!” Those children are wearing masks from the black hole of the Halloween franchise: Halloween III: Season of the Witch.]

1:02:28 Officer Hawkins and Laurie (who was listening on the police band radio) investigate a ‘domestic disturbance’ call where they find Vicky’s and Dave’s corpses, also known as the student bodies.

1:04:57 Dr. Sartain tells Laurie that Officer Hawkins was the first responder when Michael was arrested in the first film. This is a lie, for if you look at the credits of the original, no Hawkins is listed. I’ll only give credits where it’s due.

1:04:16 Laurie admits to praying that Michael will escape so she can kill him. I’ll believe her commitment when I see it.

1:06:58

Dr. Sartain: I want to know what he’s feeling. I want to know what pleasure he gets out of killing.

The ‘good’ doctor is preparing his confession ahead of time.

1:09:31 Oscar (see 18:21) walks home alone after Allyson rejects his advances. In a back garden he thinks it’s the owner of the house doing nothing more than standing alone in the dark under a tree wearing a mask. He deserves to die for this alone.

[Easter Egg: Oscar mistakes Michael for the owner of the house, who is none other than, Mr. Elrod (see 45:44)! “Happy Halloween, Mr. Elrod. I’m just… I don’t know, man. I’m sorry.”.]

1:11:25 After Oscar stabbed Cameron in the back by trying to steal his girlfriend, Michael does the same to Oscar…

1:15:11 Officer Hawkins is taking Allyson to meet her parents at her grandmother’s house, with Dr. Sartain in the car with them, when he runs into Michael. Literally — with his car.

1:15:28

Dr. Sartain [over Michael’s body in the street]: You killed him. He’s dead.
Officer Hawkins: Stand back.
Dr. Sartain: No.
Officer Hawkins: I’m still gonna blow this motherfucker’s brains out.

Officer Hawkins is the only one in the entire film who knows that to kill a serial killer you have to watch him die and kill him at least twice.

1:16:08

Dr. Sartain: So, this is what it feels like.

Dr. Sartain takes a secret scalpel and kills Officer Hawkins. Anyone who’s surprised by this ‘twist’ hasn’t been paying attention.

1:17:46 Dr. Sartain locks Michael’s unconscious body in the back of the police cruiser with Allyson (and WTF, Good Cop Hawkins had her locked in the back like a criminal!?) and explains he’s going to take Michael to Laurie’s to test his theory that Michael has only stayed alive to kill Laurie, and Laurie has only stayed alive in order not to become his victim. Apparently he thinks Laurie would be dead now if Michael didn’t want to kill her. WTF!?

Dr. Sartain: Michael’s pursuit of Laurie Strode could be what keeps him alive. I would suspect the notion of being a predator or the fear of becoming prey keeps both of them alive.

[N.B. This is also a key to the explanation of what I’ve been calling the ‘mirror effect’ of this film. Michael and Laurie are inexorably linked, like the reflection in the mirror and the person casting it.]

1:20:44 Approaching Laurie’s house, Michael incapacitates Dr. Sartain from the back seat of the police car by kicking the seat forward and forcing the doctor’s head into the steering wheel. Criminals the world over are kicking themselves because they didn’t know it was so easy.

1:20:57 When Dr. Sartain asks Michael to say something, Michael puts his foot down.

1:22:16 Poor editing. When we last saw Laurie with her daughter Karen and her son-in-law Ray (1:13:50), they were descending into the heavily fortified cellar and sealing themselves in by locking the hidden door covered with a butcher block table. Now we see the family is out of the cellar and meandering about the house with a ‘kill me’ lack of distress.

1:23:48 Back at Laurie’s house, Allyson’s father Ray approaches the car of the police who are guarding the premises. Upon opening the door he finds an officer’s corpse with his partner’s head in his lap like a jack-o-lantern, and Sartain’s scalpel in his skull. It’s a question of matter over mind.

1:24:11 Michael kills Ray by strangulation (the softest death of the film), though Ray got off a warning shot before dying, despite being all choked up.

1:25:26 Laurie may be a fighter, but hiding behind a window? She’s mostly fighting stupidity.

1:25:37 We take time out of our regularly scheduled bad ending to bring you the message that Laurie is wearing the same pair of jeans she wore 40 years ago.

1:25:56 Laurie shoots off a couple of Michael’s fingers by placing the shotgun against her ear and pulling the trigger. I heard this is a bad idea, because I can still hear things, unlike Laurie.

1:26:02 WTF!? Laurie opens the secret trap door but doesn’t announce it to her daughter, who is holed up in the cellar with a rifle. Why would you not tell the armed people on the other side of the door not to shoot you?

1:26:37 When you think Laurie spent her life securing her house and this is the best system she could come up with!

1:33:06 As Laurie walks through the house, sealing off rooms with metal curtains, Michael jumps her from behind a mannequin. Looks like Laurie Strode too far from her safe room.

1:33:36 Michael pushes Laurie out of a window and she ‘plummets’ to the soft ground beneath. This is a scene by scene remake of the original, only in the first, Michael falls after Dr. Loomis shoots him. Is the opposite of ‘falling down’ ‘throwing up’?

[N.B. Notice the positions are mirror opposites here, as well. In the original, Michael was laying on his back and in the new version, Laurie landed on her stomach.]

1:33:37

1:35:27

1:36:02  Karen takes her childhood rifle, which she engraved with her initials (Karen Strode) and.. . a Shazam symbol?

1:36:44 Michael rips the butcher block over the trap door clear off of the floor. Karen trains her weapon shakily at the opening and whines,

Mom? Help us! I can’t do it! I’m sorry, I can’t do it!

But then when Michael appears in the opening, her voice and aim turn steady.

Gotcha.

And she fires. Well played, Karen, well played.

1:37:08

[Easter egg: Note the mirror effect here. In Halloween 1978, Michael’s face is hidden in the shadows but that visage is replaced with Laurie’s in the latest version. Even more importantly, not only are the characters in reversed positions from one film to the other, but Laurie’s expression is also completely different.]

1:37:21 While fighting Laurie in the kitchen, Michael tumbles down the cellar stairs. Laurie screams to encourage her granddaughter to dash past the unconscious killer and up the steps into the kitchen. Maybe Allyson was looking forward to some down time with Michael.

1:38:09 Once the Strode women have beaten Michael enough that they might exit the basement, Laurie throws a switch that sends metal bars across the opening, trapping Michael downstairs. She flips a lever filling the basement with more gas than a Taco Bell toilet.

1:38:24

Karen (to Allyson): It’s [the cellar] not a cage, baby… It’s a trap.
Allyson (I wish): What’s the difference?

We’re meant to be impressed with this twist but, tbh, I find it incredibly weak. 1) If it’s designed to be a trap then it’s a terrible place to put the armoury. Can you imagine being held prisoner by kidnappers in the room where they store all of their weapons? 2) Laurie’s plan all along has been to blow up Michael. For the entire film, she knows how dangerous he is and how resilient he is, yet her plan isn’t to decapitate him but to set a fire, then run away and not watch him die with her own eyes? Has she even met Michael? It’s like she doesn’t even know him!

1:39:58

1:40:26 The last shot is of Allyson being driven to safety with her mum and grandmother, clutching a Mike Myers special.

Roll credits

1:40:32

Dedicated to Moustapha Akkad

Akkad was a Syrian born producer / director, and produced the original Halloween films. He was killed in 2005 in a terrorist bombing in Jordan.

1:41:12 As is the case with most of the films in the Halloween franchise, Michael Myers is not referred to by name in the credits, but is listed simply as ‘The Shape’ (and played by both James Jude Courtney and Nick Castle [see 39:17]).

This song plays during the credits, yet is not on the soundtrack (or Spotify).

1:44:18 The final song in the credits is “I Don’t Play [The Gunnery Remix]” by Kiki Mandoa, and I wasn’t available to find it online anywhere. If you know where it is, let me know in the comments!

Tally Ho’

• WTF!?’s: 16 cutting ones
• When to Follow: If you’re doing a Halloween marathon, this won’t be the worst one. Or, if you want to introduce a teenager to the Halloween franchise, this has a more modern look than the originals.
• Where’s This Found: Sadly, unlike Michael Meyer’s infamous knife, Halloween 2018 is a bit dull. The film falls victim to the same pitfalls that drain the life from other horror films (vicious clichés, violent WTFs…) but also suffers from writing sloppier than a sleep away camp crime scene. Most of the deaths are of characters who have absolutely nothing to do with advancing the story (international true crime podcasters ) and are killed in the least interesting ways imaginable. So what works? The nostalgia factor is strong, John Carpenter’s soundtrack is titillating, and the whole continuation of the Halloween mystique is fun. One could argue that it would be impossible for this film to live up to the reputation of the first, but I’d argue it died trying. Out of a possible 10, I have 5 Fs to give.

• What To Feedback: What’s your favourite Halloween film?

All GIFs used in this review were created with the Imgflip online meme generator

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