Spoiler Alert:

I shall be closely covering Guardians of the Galaxy, overseeing its action and observing its worth to determine if it’s safe or cracked. So read on only if you’ve already seen Guardians of the Galaxy, or don’t plan to.

Watch GUARDIANS OF THE GALAXY here

Guardians of the Galaxy 02 (WTF Watch the Film Saint Pauly)

All Star Line-Up

0:02:29

Earth 1988

Young Quill (Wyatt Oleff) is ushered into a hospital room where a bald woman (his mother dying of cancer and not in a Patrick Stewart disguise) tells him goodbye and that he’ll stay with his grandfather until his father comes back to get him. I’ll just drop this reference here, because you’ll be needing it for this and future films.

0:03:32 Young Peter gets picked up a lot sooner than anyone expected.

A Little Pick Me Up

0:04:12 26 years later, on an abandoned planet called Morag, an older Pete (Chris Pratt) disembarks and listens to “Come and Get Your Love” by Redbone from the same cassette in the same Walkman as he struts through the ruins of a once great building, kicking local fauna in their Sci-fi arses along the way.

0:08:51 Pete retrieves a fancy metal ball from a sort of light cage when bad aliens interrupt him using their words and some guns.

Korath (Djimon Hounsou): What is your name!?

Pete: My name is Peter Quill, OK? Dude, chill out.

Korath: Move!

Pete: Why?

Korath: Ronan may have questions for you.

Pete: Hey, you know what? There’s another name you may know me by… Star-Lord.

Korath: Who?

Pete: Star-Lord, man. The legendary outlaw?

Guardians of the Galaxy 05 (WTF Watch the Film Saint Pauly)

“I’m gonna have a ball!”

0:10:22 Pete is able to escape using his wiles and his luck…and more than a little help from the scenarist, who decided the enemies have ‘screenwriter aim’, which means they can’t hit anything resembling a leading man.

0:11:22 Pete meets the alien he slept with last night.

Pete: Hey, Bereet, I gotta be totally honest with you. I forgot you were here.

I laugh because of how badly I know this feeling.

The Raspberries – Go All The Way

0:11:39 That tape deck is a throwback to a time when wood was wood and music was everything…

Guardians of the Galaxy 06 (WTF Watch the Film Saint Pauly)

Before Wi-fi? Hi-fi!

0:12:34 Merle from The Walking Dead (Michael Rooker as Yondu Udonta) is blue, and not in the sad way. He calls Pete, who refuses to tell Yondu where he is, so Yondu tells his posse to put a bounty on Pete’s head, which isn’t much worse than the protuberance Yondu has on his own head.

0:12:46

I told you when we picked that kid up, we should have delivered him like we’s hired to do. He was cargo. You have always been soft on him.

Yondu’s assistant

This refers to the beginning of the film when young Pete is beamed into the spaceship. We now know it wasn’t simply a tabloid alien abduction.

Guardians of the Galaxy 07 (WTF Watch the Film Saint Pauly)

He’s got something heavy on his mind

0:13:28 We meet Ronan the Accuser (Lee Pace), an angry sort of alien who is against the peace treaty between his own Kree Empire and Xandar. He’s got a face only a mother could scrub.

0:14:46 Ronan instructs a very green Gamora (Zoe Saldana) to go to Xandar and retrieve the orb. And to make him a sammich.

0:15:32

Rocket (Bradley Cooper voicing a raccoon) espies a Stan Lee cameo.

Look at Mr Smiles over here. Where’s your wife, old man? What a class a pre-vert.

Guardians of the Galaxy 09 (WTF Watch the Film Saint Pauly)

“‘Ghost Rider’ looked good on paper.”

0:17:04 Pete arrives at The Broker’s, who throws Pete out when he learns an agent of Ronan also was interested in the orb.

Pete: Who’s Ronan?

The Broker (Christopher Fairbank): A Kree fanatic, outraged by the peace treaty, who will not rest until Xandar culture – my culture – is wiped from existence. He’s someone who’s bad side I’d rather not be on.

#Talibronan

Guardians of the Galaxy 10 (WTF Watch the Film Saint Pauly)

Are you a manicure or a mouse?

0:18:06 Outside the Broker’s shop.

Gamora: You have the bearing of a man of honour.

Pete: I wouldn’t say that. People say it about me… all the time, but it’s not something I’d say about myself.

Then Gamora steals the orb and the best fight scene of the film ensues.

0:21:45 The Nova Corps police arrest Groot the Tree, Rocket the Raccoon, Gamora and Pete.

Corpsman Dey (John C. Reilly): Gamora: surgically modified and trained as a living weapon. The adopted daughter of the Mad Titan, Thanos. Recently, Thanos lent her and her sister, Nebula, out to Ronan, which leads us to believe that Thanos and Ronan are working together.

Guardians of the Galaxy 11 (WTF Watch the Film Saint Pauly)

Really Illegal Alien

Corpsman Dey: Subject 89P13. It calls itself Rocket. The result of a legal generic and cybernetic experiments on lower life forms.

Guardians of the Galaxy 12 (WTF Watch the Film Saint Pauly)

Natural Wild Life

Agent: What the hell?

Corpsman Dey: They call it ‘Groot’, a humanoid plant that’s been travelling recently as 89P13’s personal houseplant / muscle.

Guardians of the Galaxy 13 (WTF Watch the Film Saint Pauly)

Hard wood

Corpsman Dey: Peter Jason Quill, from Terra. Raised from youth by a band of mercenaries called the Ravagers, led by Yondu Udonta.

Guardians of the Galaxy 14 GIF sex machine (WTF Watch the Film Saint Pauly)

A Sex Machine

0:22:38

0:23:09

Pete: I ain’t about to be brought down by a tree and a talking raccoon.

Rocket: What’s a raccoon?

Pete: What’s a raccoon? It’s what you are, stupid.

Rocket: Ain’t no thing like me, ‘cept me.

Truest line in the film.

0:23:44

Gamora: I wasn’t retrieving the orb for Ronan, I was betraying him. I had an agreement to sell it to a third party.

That would be a surprise party for Ronan.

Guardians of the Galaxy 17 (WTF Watch the Film Saint Pauly)

“This disease is growing on me.”

0:24:34 The prison guard steals Pete’s mix tape. #MusicPiracy.

0:27:20 In a slight WTF!?, the prisoners threaten to destroy Gamora because of what Ronan has done to their families and Rocket says the guards won’t protect her. So what are the inmates waiting for? ‘Break’ time?

0:29:08 Drax the Destroyer (Dave Bautista) threatens to kill Gamora because Ronan killed his wife and daughter. None of this makes as much of an impression as his tattoos.

Guardians of the Galaxy 18 (WTF Watch the Film Saint Pauly)

It’s written all over his face..and arms and chest and back

0:31:02 Pete tells Drax to keep Gamora alive because Ronan will come looking for her, and when he does, Drax can kill him. In other words, she’s the bait and Pete is the Master Baiter.

0:31:54 The group make a deal to escape the prison and take the orb to Gamora’s buyer and split the money four ways. This could be the first foursome in an American PG-13 film.

0:32:34

0:33:54 Thanos (an uncredited Josh Brolin) tells Ronan to bring him the orb, or else. Thanos is also upset Ronan didn’t send Gamora’s sister Nebula (Karen Gillan) to fetch it originally. They’re both his adopted daughters, but it seems Thanos prefers blue to green. Wait, if they get together, do they make yellow?

0:34:36 Back in The Kyln, planning the escape.

Gomora: How are we supposed to do that [get a battery from a watch tower]?

Rocket: Apparently some of these bald bodies find you attractive, so maybe you can work out some kind of trade.

Gomora: You must be joking.

Rocket: No, I really heard they find you attractive.

0:35:52 While the group make their escape, hovering machine gun spheres fire in every direction into the crowd of prisoners. Judging from the lack of injuries, the automatic weapons only shoot sparks.

Guardians of the Galaxy 20 (WTF Watch the Film Saint Pauly)

“Let’s make like a teen and break out!”

0:36:28 WTF!? Future guards quashing a riot in a prison containing every variety of alien unknown to man wear less protective gear than dentists in Feckenham.

0:41:16 To escape, Rocket turns off the artificial gravity in the prison so the guards float away. The guards don’t like the plan, but they are heads over heels.

0:45:01 Rocket and Gamora discussing Rocket’s toolbox.

Rocket: That’s for if things get really hard-core. Or if you wanna blow up moons.

Gomora: No one’s blowing up moons.

Rocket: You just wanna suck the joy of everything.

0:48:26 David Bowie – Moonage Daydream

0:55:51 Benicio Del Toro as The Collector (Taneleer Tivan), buyer of the orb. He’s looking better than he has in a very long while. The only thing Benicio usually collects is bad roles and cold sores.

0:56:50

Just drop it

0:57:48 Inside the orb is an Infinity Stone. Interested in the origin of the Infinity Stone? The Collector provides a You-niverseTube explanation.

The Collector: Oh, my new friends, before creation itself there were six individualties. Then the universe exploded into existence and the remnants of these systems were forged into concentrated ingots: Infinity Stones. These stones, it seems, can only be brandished by beings of extraordinary strength. Observe. These carriers can use the stone to mow down entire civilizations like wheat in a field.

Pete: There’s a little pee coming out of me right now.

0:59:12 Carina (Ophelia Lovibond), the red headed (literally — she has a red head) assistant, grabs the stone in the centre of the orb and goes to pieces. #Literally

Guardians of the Galaxy 22 (WTF Watch the Film Saint Pauly)

“How much is that albino in the window?”

0:59:58 In the huge explosion, Gamora decides to recover the Infinity Stone and take it to the Nova Corp because of its destructive power, and because it’s too early for the film to end.

1:02:11 Gamora escapes in a pod with the orb. Like two peas…in a pod.

Guardians of the Galaxy 23 (WTF Watch the Film Saint Pauly)

The Space Race

1:05:26 Nebula destroys the pod Gamora was in and leaves Gamora free floating in space. Proof that sibling rivalry is not dead. Though Gamora might be.

1:07:01 To save Gamora, Peter calls Yondu, gives Yondu his coordinates and then drifts out of his pod to hold Gamora. That way, when Yondu picks him up, he will also have to take Gamora. Like a friend asking if he can stay with you and then he brings his wife.

1:08:59 Groot (voiced by Vin Diesel) saves Drax by jabbing him in the chest with a branch. As Groot is a tree, I’m thinking this is a ‘Pulp’ Fiction reference. I’m not sure if I wrote this joke, or if they did.

Guardians of the Galaxy 24 (WTF Watch the Film Saint Pauly)

“I’m branching out.”

1:12:03

Ronan: I will unfurl 1000 years of Kree justice on Xandar and burn it to its core. Then, Thanos, I’m coming for you.

Ronan decides to become new king of the universe by betraying Thanos and opening the orb to get the Infinity Stone and absorb its energy. #GetStoned

1:17:21

Peter: I look around at us and you know what I see? Losers. I mean, like, folks who have lost stuff.

1:21:45 The Runaways – Cherry Bomb

1:22:41 Meanwhile, on Xandar:

Corpsman Dey: He says that he’s an… a-hole, but he’s not — and I’m quoting him here — 100% a dick.

Nova Prime (Glenn Close): Do you believe him?

Corpsman Dey: I don’t know that I believe anyone’s 100% a dick, ma’am.

Nova Prime: I mean, do you believe that he’s here to help.

1:25:48 At the last moment, Nova Corps comes like the cavalry to our team’s assistance.

Peter: They got my dick message!

1:28:31 A tree that sheds light? Or a desperate attempt to include some 3D effects?

Guardians of the Galaxy 25 GIF Golden Shower (WTF Watch the Film Saint Pauly)

A Golden Shower

1:36:44 After Gamora defeats her sister, she opens the door to Ronan’s special place and our team penetrate it. Then, Peter shoots Ronan with a special gun whose speciality is that it has no effect on Ronan.

1:37:21 So Rocket flies through the enemy craft and runs Ronan over with his ship like a dog on the motorway.

1:38:51 This destroys Ronan’s ship (which, btw, is by far the coolest spacecraft in the film) and as it falls slowly from the sky, Groot creates a kind of protective shell around the group with his arms. Thus making him a tree hugger.

Guardians of the Galaxy 26 (WTF Watch the Film Saint Pauly)

“That better be a twig, Groot.”

1:40:28 The spaceship crashes to earth and nobody dies but Groot, for the moment, at least. Even Ronan walks away unscathed. I’ve been led to believe spacecrafts plummeting to earth is a more serious affair.

1:41:52

Putting the Moves on Ronan

1:42:28 Peter distracts Ronan long enough for Drax to destroy Ronan’s hammer so that Peter can grab the Infinity Stone from it. It’s shocking. Not Peter’s dancing, but the effect the stone has on him. And his dancing.

1:44:32

Face Off

You said it yourself, bitch. We’re the Guardians of the Galaxy.

Because the team link hands, the power of the stone is distributed amongst them, they all become invincible, and are able to destroy Ronan. In other words, they stay together so they don’t go to pieces.

1:46:24

Yondu’s henchman: Yeah, Quill turned out OK. Probably good we didn’t deliver him to his dad, like we was hired to do.

Yondu: That guy was a jackass.

We learn that Yondu kidnapped Peter at the beginning of the film to take him to his real father, thus setting up a plot line for the sequel. And there was much not caring.

1:47:38 Aww.

Guardians of the Galaxy 29 GIF Stroke me (WTF Watch the Film Saint Pauly)

Heavy petting

1:48:01 Nova Prime explains Peter is only half earthling. That his father is something they’ve never seen before. Like fathers in Liverpool or Detroit.

1:50:58 Peter opens the present his mother have him in her death bed (a second mix tape) that he never opened before because it was wrapped in all the WTF!?

1:52:46 Remember how none of us believed Groot really dead? We were right.

1:53:23

Wood Grooves

1:59:59

No raccoons or tree creatures were harmed during the making of this film.

2:00:15 Credit cookie where The Collector gets licked by a space dog when Howard the Duck says:

What do you let it lick you like that for? Gross. [Sip. Cough.] It really burns going down.

Tally Ho’

WTF!?’s: 4 guarded ones.
When to Follow: See GotG before anyone tells you how much they loved it, so you don’t get your expectations too high. Either that, or see this after you’ve already seen all the good Marvel films and don’t want to watch Ghost Rider, the first Captain America or either Iron Man after the first one.
Where’s This Found: I honestly don’t see why everyone became so enamoured with this film. Frankly, I had the impression all the hoopla was just a huge sigh of relief that the film didn’t reek too badly. GotG looked good, but had no soul and the jokes were nowhere near as funny as everyone claimed. Out of a possible 10, I have 6 F’s to give

6 F's 139pt